My mind is in a whirlwind and I've retyped this post a million times.

A million and one times.

If only I didn't need assurance, I wouldn't have proposed to him.

If only I wasn't so dramatic, I wouldn't have pictured that he would respond in a kind and romantic manner. Like how the guy responds in a korean drama.

If I had been more realistic, I would have known that he would respond as he would, taking everything seriously and at the words used, not seeing the heart and intention behind the words.

I guess, I can't blame anyone else but myself.

So I've made a mistake, and I'm suffering the consequences. If he breaks up with me, I'll have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life.

A million and two times.

I guess I'm not good enough for someone as good as him.

And if I'm not, the only way left to show him how much I love him is to let him find life with someone else better than me. Maybe he'll be happier than being with me. From the beginning that's what I've asked multiple times anyways. Why me, when there are so many prettier girls, when there are so many girls who sing better, who have kinder hearts, who are smarter? Then he wouldn't need to face me and my thousand problems.

He should have a Proverbs 31 woman. I know can be that woman, but sometimes I feel like I fulfil the actions, but who I am inside might not pass the test, especially in my condition now. I am secretly weak. I have times when I think of self-harm and suicide. I am insecure. I am selfish. I am a perfectionist. I bother about what people say of me. How can a Christian be like that?

All of me wishes I'm the one he chooses, the one he wouldn't give up for, the one whom he cherishes and loves and wants to do everything he can for. The one whom despite all the terrible things I am, still wants to love me and walk with me.

Am I wishing too much or being too idealistic? Is wanting to be happy and loved to much to ask?

A million and three times.

If only he knows how I can't live without him.

A million and four times.

A million and five times.

If only he believes that I can put down all the things I said I won't do. I will have his kids, I will move over if he wants, I will do whatever he wants.

If only he could forget my mistakes and love me like before, if only he could do as he used to, and talk to me like nothing happened when we had small conflicts.