He might think I'm texting long texts out of desperation, though on my end, I know what I texted isn't from emotions, but from logical thinking. So that's ok, I'll understand his silence.

He might think that giving me space is the best thing for both of us, though on my end, I know I'll never be able to remove this knife in my chest without understanding and clarity as to why and how did things go sour. But that's ok, I guess he's assuming that it's only a matter of time that I heal. I know myself. Time will pass, and the knife will stay, but I'll get used to functioning with it, in my chest.

I just have to keep thinking that all that he does is for the best, he was thinking for me.

I'm having a hard time.

Today there was a van driving at a really high speed and I didn't even think hard about it. I just wanted to wait until it came nearer, and step in front of it.

I can't get proper closure because something is withheld from me.

I don't understand the real reason why he wants to break up with me.

What part of me is so detestable? Or is it really just about moving over?

I want to tell him that I've found ways, that it's possible to move over, all is not lost!

This morning, I'm a little angry and very sad, because I realised I've always loved FCC and it's community. One of the things I've been looking forward so much to, is doing life there. And now I won't be able to go to church there every week like I want so badly. I know that growth can be anywhere, but somehow FCC fits me more. It could be the reason why I want to go back to Perth. Yes I love Dave too but FCC is also why I was fighting for us. Why didn't I tell him earlier? Was it cos I thought that he would take it as a lousy reason to let me go to Perth?

My heart is still breaking, and wishing he'll say let's take time to rethink this.

For my love and forever special friend.

If it hurts us both, then why are we doing this?
There are a hundred solutions, instead of letting go
Love has no 100%, but if we just try we can ace it
And when we pass this tunnel of failure, the lights will be like gold.

So hold my hand and trust me

We will run together through the night
Face all the monsters yes we will fight
And when it gets too hard, always remember
We were made to last, we'll be alright.

Darling it's been a while since I said I love you
Even in my silence I hope you didn't forget
My mistake was to chase all the dreams I thought we shared
But those have got nothing on you
Now I'm left with regret

Though we're standing in different places
I'll always wait for you to say come back
Even if you don't, I'll still be there
To walk with you, we'll brave this together

So let's go my friend

We will run together through the night
Face all the monsters yes we will fight
And when it gets too hard, always remember
We were made to last, we'll be alright.

I'm at the church, squatting in the corner of the toilet, asking God to pull me through. Not sure how do I do this today and tomorrow.

Dave says he isn't coming and he thinks it's for the best.

I feel abandoned and thrown away. No anger, just the same feeling of worthlessness and not being good enough. It's all my fault.

It's ok Cheryl. I lost a life partner but not a friend, God is preparing someone 10x better. Even if it's him again, he will be 10x better, and so will I.

Dry my tears and go out there and smile.

I still believe we can make it work, I still think that He will provide what I need in Perth. Be it a job, a visa, my parents' blessings, sponsorship, community. And even if I do come back to Singapore, similarly He will again provide just as how He did when I graduated. Why do I have such strong faith about this when it seems like there's a mountain in front of me? Why does God not let me let go? And it doesnit seem like I'm speaking out of emotions but from peace?

I still think that the only thing we have to do is to spend time together and really come back to each other. Alternatively, like Crystal suggested, take a week or two apart for a break and heal. Then come back to restart.

I still wish he makes the flight here to talk to me, even if it is to talk me out of it.

I love him and so I respect his decision. I love him and so I'll try to be strong. But a big part of me still wishes that he takes me back and works with me together, because I love him. Part of me wishes that he'll put down a bit of his wiseness and practicality, and just dream with me, just trust in me a bit more, when I say we can make it work. Cos I believe wholeheartedly that we can make it work as long as we keep centred around Christ. Cos I know He provides, He won't let us starve, He will provide what we need.

It's early in the morning and so my tears pass off as products of yawns.

Every two steps I take I pray God help me, help me just walk and get home first. God help me.

How do I convince him that if I fly over, I give him permission to be brutally honest. I give myself permission to be brutally honest. And if it doesn't work in say 3 months, then I will speak so, and he can speak so, and so be it, I take it as it is and will leave at peace. But the 3 months will be held by God and God-driven and led, so that there is no pressure of making it work, but only submission to God.

And if we find that peace from God after 3 months, if we find that sustenance from God, then we make plans from there. But not worry ahead. Because I believe God provides. I know He can do miracles. He will give me a job and even a sponsor if I need. I just need to walk by faith.

How do I tell him these? How do I ask him to take me back?

I wish he would come to Singapore. So that at least we can finish talking, I can finish talking, and then whatever decision comes at the end, it would be a decision we make together.

I'm reminded of Hosea. I still think we could work it out, I still think he's worth flying over for. Dear God, how come he doesn't think so? Would You convict his heart for me? Would You help me tell him that You'll take that pressure he thinks he'll feel, You'll hold our relationship in Your hands, You'll bless it and guide it, even if I fly over? That my flying over is not putting my life on hold, but taking steps to move in a direction that You allow? Will You convince him that I'll be honest, that even if it comes to it, I'll make the decision to stop, and fly back, so that he doesn't think that he's obligated to be in a relationship with me? Will You convince him that he'll have the courage to be honest too, to make the decision to stop even if I fly over?

Dear God, what words should I use to change his strong mind? Clearly he still wants me too, but he thinks it's impossible. But dear God, You said nothing is impossible for You.

Dear God, because I love You more than Dave, I'll trust You.

Because You love me more than Dave can and does, I'll trust You.

Because You love Dave more than I can and do, I'll trust You.

Whatever it is, I trust You.

I'll declare it not as the devil's victory, but as Your plans all along. Perhaps we need a short break, to heal, though it's painful to be apart, but maybe it's necessary in order to come back again and fight harder.

But dear Lord, even in this break, remind me every minute I live that You have good in store for me, because I forget easily. Remind me that You have work for me to do, so I can't just go home to You just yet as much as I want to.

But Lord, if I can't take it anymore and forget all that, I pray You'll hold me and take me home. I love You even though I can't take the pain. I want to run from it even if it's an act of cowardice.

Could it be a spiritual warfare?

It always happens to me every time I'm on for worship.

Work would be crap and there would be insane problems that never happened before.

Our conflict started only started this year, just shortly after Dave went into ministry.

If so, and I believe so, then what we have to do is to pray together, fight together, and not let the devil have the victory.

Jesus rebukes the devil. He fights for us.

It should be a good thing that he wants to talk to me. But when he makes a sudden request to talk (seriously) tonight, I can't help but worry.

Is he going to break up with me tonight? Or does he want to tell me that he's sorry for ignoring me and not talking to me, and want to work towards our goal again? That he still loves me, still wants me, and can't wait to see me in 3 days?

I'm scared.

Suddenly I'm not breathing that well.

Will I be able to go to Simin's wedding alone, will she understand if I can't do her decor or walk down the aisle for her anymore? More importantly, how will I go through the wedding with people I can't face alone?

Scrap those thoughts and dry your tears. The night isn't here yet. I need to man up and go to dinner with Simin and Serene tonight.

I need to smile for them.

I can do it.

I'm happy over 2 short sentences. But you see, they were not replies to my initiation but were initiated.

Even though the plane was tiny and our flight was at an ungodly hour, the apartment we rented is more like a pigeon hole, there was a creepy stalker who took our videos during supper, and the internet sucks, I thank God.

For fun friends, safe journey, full bellies, a roof over us, air conditioning, water heater, subways, and feeling loved from 2 sentences.

Positive emotions related to travelling to and in HK.

I wish he would tell me he missed me too. Or just talk to me more, even if they were flat words.

I'd take anything.

Reading my previous posts got me thinking: why do my emotions fluctuate so much?

I self-pity, self-blame, encourage myself to be strong, am positive, am depressed, am suicidal, am at peace, am weepy, all in the same fortnight.

Am I a weakling who tries too hard to be strong? Or a steady person with lapse of strength and self-sustenance?

Or am I just being a regular girl? Why would anyone want someone like that? Why would Dave even want me? No wonder he doesn't want me. 

Why do I keep waiting and holding on?

People tell me that his silence indicates his disinterest and I should let go, "it's not worth it" they say.

"If he loves you, he won't treat you like that".

But to me, I've never considered anyone else. I've never thought of living life with someone other than him even though it hasn't been the most smooth-sailing journey so far. There must be a reason why God gave me so strong feelings for him.

If we can emerge from this together, we emerge stronger. And this is what I believe God wants us to experience.

Growth, humility, love, patience, endurance and communication.

Growth in our personal faiths.

Humility to admit mistakes and accept failure. Not to blame the other but to know the difficulties of the other and display forgiveness.

Love and patience towards one another. Learning the other's love language and understanding the needs of the other.

Endurance so as to continue running this race not as a sprint, but as a lifetime marathon.We must learn to pace ourselves.

Communication, one of the most important things couples need. Without it, the relationship dies bit by bit and it'll become harder and harder to communicate.

I still miss him like mad and it increases every day he doesn't talk to me. But it's just 10 days more until he comes to Singapore and I'll get him for more than 48 hours. What precious and crucial time to bond and talk.

I can do this. It's just 10 days. I'll make it until then, and hopefully a lot more.

Peace that comes from God

It's still very tough to keep thinking of Dave almost every moment of every day, and even tougher when I'm waiting for him to just talk to me. But for now, there is peace which can't be explained by anything else. It is from God.

His love is keeping me alive and He reminds me that His mercies are new every day. He loves me every day and does not tire, He holds me especially in trying times like these.

Though I'm somewhat dying inside, I take comfort in his silent, because it means that he's having a difficult time as he contemplates. And that means that he still loves me, thankfully. This detail is both a relief and a test of my patience. But it's ok, I'll wait out, and not pressure him. I'll wait every day for the times when we would go back to normal conversations. Hopefully it'll progress quickly, I hope, by the start of next year.

I just wish he would trust me more, and take me at my word when I say we can do it. May not be easy but it's still very possible to keep following what we've always planned to do.

My mind is in a whirlwind and I've retyped this post a million times.

A million and one times.

If only I didn't need assurance, I wouldn't have proposed to him.

If only I wasn't so dramatic, I wouldn't have pictured that he would respond in a kind and romantic manner. Like how the guy responds in a korean drama.

If I had been more realistic, I would have known that he would respond as he would, taking everything seriously and at the words used, not seeing the heart and intention behind the words.

I guess, I can't blame anyone else but myself.

So I've made a mistake, and I'm suffering the consequences. If he breaks up with me, I'll have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life.

A million and two times.

I guess I'm not good enough for someone as good as him.

And if I'm not, the only way left to show him how much I love him is to let him find life with someone else better than me. Maybe he'll be happier than being with me. From the beginning that's what I've asked multiple times anyways. Why me, when there are so many prettier girls, when there are so many girls who sing better, who have kinder hearts, who are smarter? Then he wouldn't need to face me and my thousand problems.

He should have a Proverbs 31 woman. I know can be that woman, but sometimes I feel like I fulfil the actions, but who I am inside might not pass the test, especially in my condition now. I am secretly weak. I have times when I think of self-harm and suicide. I am insecure. I am selfish. I am a perfectionist. I bother about what people say of me. How can a Christian be like that?

All of me wishes I'm the one he chooses, the one he wouldn't give up for, the one whom he cherishes and loves and wants to do everything he can for. The one whom despite all the terrible things I am, still wants to love me and walk with me.

Am I wishing too much or being too idealistic? Is wanting to be happy and loved to much to ask?

A million and three times.

If only he knows how I can't live without him.

A million and four times.

A million and five times.

If only he believes that I can put down all the things I said I won't do. I will have his kids, I will move over if he wants, I will do whatever he wants.

If only he could forget my mistakes and love me like before, if only he could do as he used to, and talk to me like nothing happened when we had small conflicts.

Long shot he says

Yesterday was a very rough day.

I cried until there was no more sound.

I cried because I kept fighting for us, but he doesn't seem to want me anymore. Even though he says part of him still does, why do his actions not match?

Why is it he thinks that breaking up is the best solution, when there is so much hope and possibility of good?

How did he get so pessimistic? Is it because he hasn't seen me for months? But then it wasn't my doing! I've been trying to talk to him, I want things back to normal. To me this is merely another conflict we should just settle. It's nothing serious. After all, I did give in, I did say I'll move over.

He thinks that cutting it now saves us from more hurt, but he doesn't realise that not giving us this chance to work through this one conflict is sticking a knife that cannot be removed. It'll stay with me for the rest of my life because I'll always be wondering what I did that was so wrong, what haven't I apologised for, what other misunderstandings are there not resolved. There'll always be these questions and the feel of rejection - that I'm not even worth giving a shot. So what if it's a long shot. A shot is a shot and I'll take it any day.

I know what I want and I'll keep fighting until my bones break and my breath ends. I won't give up.

Even when my heart breaks

Still, You are a great God.

God, You hold me forever.

I said it before and so I keep my word, that in the good times and even in the bad times, I will praise You, worship You and love You. Whether I see it or not, I know You're always loving, protecting and teaching.

I love You.

Getting tougher

It's 2.30am and I'm still awake again. Today's a tough day because I only got a line from him.

Possibly reasons for not responding to me:
1. He's very busy.
2. He doesn't know what to say.
3. It hurts for him to talk to me.
4. He's thinking of breaking up with me, and so he's reducing communication until we meet.
5. He's very angry with me and is punishing me by giving me the cold shoulder.

Every time I send him something, I keep checking my phone every few minutes to see if he's replied. And when I see that he's read it but has failed to respond, that's the hardest. That's when I can't hold back my tears. They fall like bullets into my heart.

Then I'll wonder, what will make him come? What might make him turn back to me? What will make him care for me again? If I'm hospitalised? Badly injured? How do I get there? Should I throw myself down steps? Is that enough? Should I try a couple of storeys? Should I close my eyes and run across, to the red man? Will God forgive me if I stop taking care of myself?

Will my parents understand? Will my students understand? Do they love me enough to know that it's the only way left to remove the pain?

It's getting harder to breathe every day.

It's getting harder to sleep every night.

It's harder to smile, to talk, to laugh.

I don't think I can survive for much longer.