What I would have to keep in my heart forever

Happy birthday bubbie.

I love you and miss you.

I want to grow old with you.

Don't want other guys, only want one guy, but he does't want me.

This feeling in my chest. It's not pain as I thought it would be.

If I can describe it, it would be a gaping empty space in the middle of my chest. And every time I breathe I'm made aware of this hole.

Dinner was good and I didn't think I'd have fun but I actually enjoyed myself a lot. I thought it'd be damn awkward throughout but surprisingly we just caught up like two old friends who just saw each other last week.

We talked about everything but didn't have time to talk about anything.

2.5 hours passed just like that. But at the end when I turned around I still couldn't stop my tears from falling. I don't understand why though.

Perhaps it's my heart is just still grieving a loss. I don't know.

Is this enough for me to get closure and move on? I don't know. Perhaps if we actually talked about the hard stuff, maybe. Too bad no time.

It's Christmas service and I forgot that PB would be here.

I thought it'll be a great service and it is.

But I didn't think I wouldn't be able to control the tears that are falling on my face.

It's ok. I've got my korean dramas.

The hardest question to answer this month

Where's Dave?

My response: he's in Perth, he has to work. 

Technically true.

I know You love me
I know You found me
I know You saved me
And Your grace will never fail me
And while I’m waiting
I’m not waiting
I know heaven lives in me

I’ll sing holy holy
My heart cries holy
As it is in heaven
It is in me

We’ll sing holy holy
The earth cries holy
As it is in heaven
So let it be

Just wondering if it was a decision he made, or did he hear from God?

Because I have peace, I'm not grieving anymore. But for some strange reason even though the world says "you can definitely find another man", something inside me says to hold on.

It really puzzles me why we didn't just talk about it, but both of us just let things deteriorate. If I knew, I wouldn't have given him so much "space". I would have just texted him every day right from Hillsongs.

In the corner of my desktop, there is a word document.

I opened it today and saw all the possible places we were going to explore for our wedding, and how many people each location could accommodate.

All the possible cringeworthy hashtags we could use.

Still in disbelief, not sure what happened. I still want to marry him, live with him, support him quietly, be the domestic goddess he wants me to be, and more.

Does this mean he doesn't love me and accept me for who I am?

I left the document in the corner.

If it's Your will Lord, make him miss me, every day. Help him realise that giving up is easy but fighting is more rewarding in the end.

If it's not Your will Lord, help me forget him. Take away this unclosed circle, fill my heart with joy overflowing, let me not shed tears anymore.

Today I met someone who has the same birthday as Dave.

I should be moving on and giving up. But for some reason I can't let go. I keep thinking he will be my Lazarus. Not only did he rise from the dead, but the more miraculous fact is that he rose only by Jesus, on the fourth day, only after all possibility of living again passed on the third day.

Falling sick. Haven't gymmed or ran in only a week and I've lost 1kg.

Dreamt that he said he changed his mind, and wants to get back together again, go for counselling, wants me by his side.

Woke up happy. It's not my birthday though. Nonetheless, a good dream a day might just be enough to fill my happy tank for the day. It's been running on low for a while now.

Saw his face on Facebook. Preaching. Something gripped my heart.

It is grief. I know with strange understanding that without him, I'd never be able to do what I thought I was called to.

I've lost my bearings. Do I find new ones, or hold on to the compass in hopes the path will find me again?

Again another massive dream. This time, about a wedding. I was Cinderella, but I wasn't the bride.

I can't sleep. But when I do, every night is a nightmare. Someone dies, someone leaves, I get molested, humiliated. I end up crying my heart out in my dreams and wake up so tired. I don't want to sleep anymore. 

I'm sitting around a round table in Thailand with my closest friends. My cell with whom I grew up with since 13.

What crosses my mind is this question: If I had to, would I give up Singapore and these people whom I love, for him?

It would definitely be difficult but I still would say yes. That's what I've been preparing myself to do mid year next year anyways.

Breathe Cheryl and hold back your tears. Smile and talk so nobody knows.

Said someone to her ex, heard yesterday:

"Don't pitch it like it's meant to benefit me. Tell me honestly and truthfully, that's what girls want."

Knocked me off my thoughts and I wondered if visa was the only reason he broke up with me, or is there something about myself that I should know?

Things about Hong Kong I'll remember:

1. Dave telling me to be safe on his own accord.

2. Being absolutely knackered from the red eye flight.

3. Nathan Road Congee's good service and century egg porridge.

4. Sleeping in the public park until 12pm when our Airbnb was ready.

5. Hiking up Dragon's back mountain, stopping every 5 mins for pictures, but reaching the top faster than expected.

6. Yat Lok. The BEST roast goose and char siew ever.

7. Tai Cheong Egg Tarts had no queue. Eating it warm right outside the shop.

8. Lan Kuai Fung Carnival at night.

9. Seeing Karen Mok in real life.

10. Free shots from whom we thought was the owner. Turned out to be the bass player of the live band in the pub we were at. 

11. Firmly telling off this dude trying to grind my friends. 

12. Same Londoner dude who tried to put his beer on our tab.

13. Meeting the nice Canadians who's next stop was Singapore. 

14. Dim Dimsum. So shiok! 

Thinking about Perth life every day.

Telling myself that if he loves me he'll want the best for me. And that he'll know that Perth is where I belong. He's the best for me.

But if he doesn't love me then it's ok. I'll just quietly love him from here every day.

I wonder ever since Joe went back to Perth, if he's seen my letters.

Then I wonder, how come he wants to give up when Love keeps us together?

Is it because when I chose to give him space, there were other girls around, girls who were more virtuous, gentle and didn't pick a fight?

Did he dream of another scenario?

Did he simply stopped loving me after being angry with me?

Does he still love me? Why isn't he telling me let's talk about this again?

I've been so faithful for so long, it's just been him all these years every day.

I can't see myself without him.

How do I let go of a man I dreamt of living with for the rest of my life?

I saw myself waiting for him at home, with chinese dishes and soup, and the kids playing on the floor.

They'd be screaming and running to the door when he walks in, then he'll tell them they're noisy, but carry them anyways.

I'll heat up the food and we'll all eat.

There'll be a mess.

Years from that, the kids will be off to school, we'll get Mondays off to do the groceries and everything else, we'll quarrel over which brand of shower gel to buy, and whether we have eggs in the fridge. I'll be mildly irritated, but he carries almost everything and I'd take the lighter bags. Then we'll go home and just put on a movie, or sleep, or doing individual things like him working on the sermon while I watch videos in the kitchen and put out the stuff needed for the day's dinner, until it's time to pick them up.

He'll be scolding them for misbehaviours once in a while, and I'll be nagging him to bring out the trash bin for garbage day.

We'd fight sometimes over silly things, but I saw a different Cheryl and Dave. Cheryl would be motherly and kinda like Auntie Cecelia. Behind her husband but doing great things, supporting him in every way. With her friends she's loud and chatty. With Dave, she'd be goofy and girly, sometimes acting tough but still melting when he says what he wants and needs and sees. Dave would be funny when guest are over, but more quiet when nobody is around. Some people might still think he's icey and proud, but he does everything so well if needed. For less important things, he spends very little time on it. He's efficient.

I see so many more things. How do I achieve them?

I tell everyone that I'm ok.

But I still miss him and love him every day. 

Every time I think I'll screw up worship, God shows me how He uses the weak. Easily one of the most relaxed sets I've led recently.

Today, I went to an ice cream parlour and didn't get anything.

Today, I heard Jason Mraz on the radio and I thought every word in his song was relevant. Then I heard our song and I heard the words for the first time. 

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up.

I know it's hard
Time's not on our side
Don't ever give up
Patience is what you said to me

Tell me why.

Forgot house keys, realised only when I got home from the city. Cherrrrrryl. Whyyyy.

Don't think I'll ever find someone more goose than I am haha. Thank God the florist hasn't delivered tomorrow's flowers otherwise they'll suffer and wilt.

Oh well, parents are off to Ipoh, luckily Bryan's at work. Back to the city I go. Lol.

It was a tiring lesson to learn. I'll definitely try to remember my keys. I usually do, just a lapse this time. In the same way, Dave and I made a mistake. We both did, but we should learn from it and remember next time. There's always second chances. I won't get kicked out forever if I forgot my keys. I hope he sees it too, and give us a chance to learn and work together.

Soften his heart towards me I pray, Father, may he love me like always, think of me like always, and remember the good times.

Soften his heart towards me I pray, Father, may he see potential and good in me, may he see the potential we have in giving more than taking, may he see how greatly we can be used in our community and family.

Soften his heart towards me I pray, Father, that he would favour me, desire me, love me, just as much as I have been towards him. That he would reach out to me again, just as he did at first. If it is Your will, send people around him to fight for me, to suggest a restart, to learn to love each other every day as if we were at day 1 again.

Soften his heart towards people I pray, Father, that he would be able to see their joys and their pains, that he would be able to see past the problems and know the root. That he would be able to encourage and uplift, advise and share wisdom from experience. Father, help him love people like how You love your children. Give him patience and kindness overflowing. Help him to minister and pastor not because it's his job but because he loves them sincerely.

Soften their hearts towards him I pray, Father, that he would find favour and trust. Let them see God in what he does, let them see him as a model and yet a relatable friend. Give them love for him and respect for him, to see him as a leader not just because he was placed there, not out of fear, but out of respect and admiration.

Father I pray for healing upon him as he is hit by another bout of sickness. Renew his health and give him new strength as You put Your healing hands on him. Refresh him and give him a new spirit. I pray that as he wakes up tomorrow he will find joy and Your new mercies.

Every day I pray that God will give him love for me again, trust in me one more time, patience to talk to me.

I feel like we've never actually really sat down together to talk about how we should and want to communicate. we've talked briefly in the past when we had conflicts, I remember him saying that I should never give him the cold shoulder and he should open up more and share about his day and his troubles. I remember never ever again ignoring his messages. I wish we could sit down again this time to talk again, so that I know what I can do, I know I can do it, after all, I did stop giving him cold shoulders. I can learn.

Dear God, give me a second chance please. Let me show him how much I've grown to love him even in difficult times, how much I want to stand by him in both good days and lousy days. Let me show him how I can be who you want me to be for him. Help us still find that spark in our hearts for each other, that desire to build and grow together in You, the forgiveness that can only come from You, the boldness to let go of our pride against each other. I love him Lord, and You placed this love in my heart. Help me love him like You love the church, help me love him like Hosea. Lord, You've put us together.

Lord in everything, may my desire align with Yours, I love You more. I know that all I do is Your plan, let me keep living in Your grave and mercy every day.

He might think I'm texting long texts out of desperation, though on my end, I know what I texted isn't from emotions, but from logical thinking. So that's ok, I'll understand his silence.

He might think that giving me space is the best thing for both of us, though on my end, I know I'll never be able to remove this knife in my chest without understanding and clarity as to why and how did things go sour. But that's ok, I guess he's assuming that it's only a matter of time that I heal. I know myself. Time will pass, and the knife will stay, but I'll get used to functioning with it, in my chest.

I just have to keep thinking that all that he does is for the best, he was thinking for me.

I'm having a hard time.

Today there was a van driving at a really high speed and I didn't even think hard about it. I just wanted to wait until it came nearer, and step in front of it.

I can't get proper closure because something is withheld from me.

I don't understand the real reason why he wants to break up with me.

What part of me is so detestable? Or is it really just about moving over?

I want to tell him that I've found ways, that it's possible to move over, all is not lost!

This morning, I'm a little angry and very sad, because I realised I've always loved FCC and it's community. One of the things I've been looking forward so much to, is doing life there. And now I won't be able to go to church there every week like I want so badly. I know that growth can be anywhere, but somehow FCC fits me more. It could be the reason why I want to go back to Perth. Yes I love Dave too but FCC is also why I was fighting for us. Why didn't I tell him earlier? Was it cos I thought that he would take it as a lousy reason to let me go to Perth?

My heart is still breaking, and wishing he'll say let's take time to rethink this.

For my love and forever special friend.

If it hurts us both, then why are we doing this?
There are a hundred solutions, instead of letting go
Love has no 100%, but if we just try we can ace it
And when we pass this tunnel of failure, the lights will be like gold.

So hold my hand and trust me

We will run together through the night
Face all the monsters yes we will fight
And when it gets too hard, always remember
We were made to last, we'll be alright.

Darling it's been a while since I said I love you
Even in my silence I hope you didn't forget
My mistake was to chase all the dreams I thought we shared
But those have got nothing on you
Now I'm left with regret

Though we're standing in different places
I'll always wait for you to say come back
Even if you don't, I'll still be there
To walk with you, we'll brave this together

So let's go my friend

We will run together through the night
Face all the monsters yes we will fight
And when it gets too hard, always remember
We were made to last, we'll be alright.

I'm at the church, squatting in the corner of the toilet, asking God to pull me through. Not sure how do I do this today and tomorrow.

Dave says he isn't coming and he thinks it's for the best.

I feel abandoned and thrown away. No anger, just the same feeling of worthlessness and not being good enough. It's all my fault.

It's ok Cheryl. I lost a life partner but not a friend, God is preparing someone 10x better. Even if it's him again, he will be 10x better, and so will I.

Dry my tears and go out there and smile.

I still believe we can make it work, I still think that He will provide what I need in Perth. Be it a job, a visa, my parents' blessings, sponsorship, community. And even if I do come back to Singapore, similarly He will again provide just as how He did when I graduated. Why do I have such strong faith about this when it seems like there's a mountain in front of me? Why does God not let me let go? And it doesnit seem like I'm speaking out of emotions but from peace?

I still think that the only thing we have to do is to spend time together and really come back to each other. Alternatively, like Crystal suggested, take a week or two apart for a break and heal. Then come back to restart.

I still wish he makes the flight here to talk to me, even if it is to talk me out of it.

I love him and so I respect his decision. I love him and so I'll try to be strong. But a big part of me still wishes that he takes me back and works with me together, because I love him. Part of me wishes that he'll put down a bit of his wiseness and practicality, and just dream with me, just trust in me a bit more, when I say we can make it work. Cos I believe wholeheartedly that we can make it work as long as we keep centred around Christ. Cos I know He provides, He won't let us starve, He will provide what we need.

It's early in the morning and so my tears pass off as products of yawns.

Every two steps I take I pray God help me, help me just walk and get home first. God help me.

How do I convince him that if I fly over, I give him permission to be brutally honest. I give myself permission to be brutally honest. And if it doesn't work in say 3 months, then I will speak so, and he can speak so, and so be it, I take it as it is and will leave at peace. But the 3 months will be held by God and God-driven and led, so that there is no pressure of making it work, but only submission to God.

And if we find that peace from God after 3 months, if we find that sustenance from God, then we make plans from there. But not worry ahead. Because I believe God provides. I know He can do miracles. He will give me a job and even a sponsor if I need. I just need to walk by faith.

How do I tell him these? How do I ask him to take me back?

I wish he would come to Singapore. So that at least we can finish talking, I can finish talking, and then whatever decision comes at the end, it would be a decision we make together.

I'm reminded of Hosea. I still think we could work it out, I still think he's worth flying over for. Dear God, how come he doesn't think so? Would You convict his heart for me? Would You help me tell him that You'll take that pressure he thinks he'll feel, You'll hold our relationship in Your hands, You'll bless it and guide it, even if I fly over? That my flying over is not putting my life on hold, but taking steps to move in a direction that You allow? Will You convince him that I'll be honest, that even if it comes to it, I'll make the decision to stop, and fly back, so that he doesn't think that he's obligated to be in a relationship with me? Will You convince him that he'll have the courage to be honest too, to make the decision to stop even if I fly over?

Dear God, what words should I use to change his strong mind? Clearly he still wants me too, but he thinks it's impossible. But dear God, You said nothing is impossible for You.

Dear God, because I love You more than Dave, I'll trust You.

Because You love me more than Dave can and does, I'll trust You.

Because You love Dave more than I can and do, I'll trust You.

Whatever it is, I trust You.

I'll declare it not as the devil's victory, but as Your plans all along. Perhaps we need a short break, to heal, though it's painful to be apart, but maybe it's necessary in order to come back again and fight harder.

But dear Lord, even in this break, remind me every minute I live that You have good in store for me, because I forget easily. Remind me that You have work for me to do, so I can't just go home to You just yet as much as I want to.

But Lord, if I can't take it anymore and forget all that, I pray You'll hold me and take me home. I love You even though I can't take the pain. I want to run from it even if it's an act of cowardice.

Could it be a spiritual warfare?

It always happens to me every time I'm on for worship.

Work would be crap and there would be insane problems that never happened before.

Our conflict started only started this year, just shortly after Dave went into ministry.

If so, and I believe so, then what we have to do is to pray together, fight together, and not let the devil have the victory.

Jesus rebukes the devil. He fights for us.

It should be a good thing that he wants to talk to me. But when he makes a sudden request to talk (seriously) tonight, I can't help but worry.

Is he going to break up with me tonight? Or does he want to tell me that he's sorry for ignoring me and not talking to me, and want to work towards our goal again? That he still loves me, still wants me, and can't wait to see me in 3 days?

I'm scared.

Suddenly I'm not breathing that well.

Will I be able to go to Simin's wedding alone, will she understand if I can't do her decor or walk down the aisle for her anymore? More importantly, how will I go through the wedding with people I can't face alone?

Scrap those thoughts and dry your tears. The night isn't here yet. I need to man up and go to dinner with Simin and Serene tonight.

I need to smile for them.

I can do it.

I'm happy over 2 short sentences. But you see, they were not replies to my initiation but were initiated.

Even though the plane was tiny and our flight was at an ungodly hour, the apartment we rented is more like a pigeon hole, there was a creepy stalker who took our videos during supper, and the internet sucks, I thank God.

For fun friends, safe journey, full bellies, a roof over us, air conditioning, water heater, subways, and feeling loved from 2 sentences.

Positive emotions related to travelling to and in HK.

I wish he would tell me he missed me too. Or just talk to me more, even if they were flat words.

I'd take anything.

Reading my previous posts got me thinking: why do my emotions fluctuate so much?

I self-pity, self-blame, encourage myself to be strong, am positive, am depressed, am suicidal, am at peace, am weepy, all in the same fortnight.

Am I a weakling who tries too hard to be strong? Or a steady person with lapse of strength and self-sustenance?

Or am I just being a regular girl? Why would anyone want someone like that? Why would Dave even want me? No wonder he doesn't want me. 

Why do I keep waiting and holding on?

People tell me that his silence indicates his disinterest and I should let go, "it's not worth it" they say.

"If he loves you, he won't treat you like that".

But to me, I've never considered anyone else. I've never thought of living life with someone other than him even though it hasn't been the most smooth-sailing journey so far. There must be a reason why God gave me so strong feelings for him.

If we can emerge from this together, we emerge stronger. And this is what I believe God wants us to experience.

Growth, humility, love, patience, endurance and communication.

Growth in our personal faiths.

Humility to admit mistakes and accept failure. Not to blame the other but to know the difficulties of the other and display forgiveness.

Love and patience towards one another. Learning the other's love language and understanding the needs of the other.

Endurance so as to continue running this race not as a sprint, but as a lifetime marathon.We must learn to pace ourselves.

Communication, one of the most important things couples need. Without it, the relationship dies bit by bit and it'll become harder and harder to communicate.

I still miss him like mad and it increases every day he doesn't talk to me. But it's just 10 days more until he comes to Singapore and I'll get him for more than 48 hours. What precious and crucial time to bond and talk.

I can do this. It's just 10 days. I'll make it until then, and hopefully a lot more.

Peace that comes from God

It's still very tough to keep thinking of Dave almost every moment of every day, and even tougher when I'm waiting for him to just talk to me. But for now, there is peace which can't be explained by anything else. It is from God.

His love is keeping me alive and He reminds me that His mercies are new every day. He loves me every day and does not tire, He holds me especially in trying times like these.

Though I'm somewhat dying inside, I take comfort in his silent, because it means that he's having a difficult time as he contemplates. And that means that he still loves me, thankfully. This detail is both a relief and a test of my patience. But it's ok, I'll wait out, and not pressure him. I'll wait every day for the times when we would go back to normal conversations. Hopefully it'll progress quickly, I hope, by the start of next year.

I just wish he would trust me more, and take me at my word when I say we can do it. May not be easy but it's still very possible to keep following what we've always planned to do.

My mind is in a whirlwind and I've retyped this post a million times.

A million and one times.

If only I didn't need assurance, I wouldn't have proposed to him.

If only I wasn't so dramatic, I wouldn't have pictured that he would respond in a kind and romantic manner. Like how the guy responds in a korean drama.

If I had been more realistic, I would have known that he would respond as he would, taking everything seriously and at the words used, not seeing the heart and intention behind the words.

I guess, I can't blame anyone else but myself.

So I've made a mistake, and I'm suffering the consequences. If he breaks up with me, I'll have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life.

A million and two times.

I guess I'm not good enough for someone as good as him.

And if I'm not, the only way left to show him how much I love him is to let him find life with someone else better than me. Maybe he'll be happier than being with me. From the beginning that's what I've asked multiple times anyways. Why me, when there are so many prettier girls, when there are so many girls who sing better, who have kinder hearts, who are smarter? Then he wouldn't need to face me and my thousand problems.

He should have a Proverbs 31 woman. I know can be that woman, but sometimes I feel like I fulfil the actions, but who I am inside might not pass the test, especially in my condition now. I am secretly weak. I have times when I think of self-harm and suicide. I am insecure. I am selfish. I am a perfectionist. I bother about what people say of me. How can a Christian be like that?

All of me wishes I'm the one he chooses, the one he wouldn't give up for, the one whom he cherishes and loves and wants to do everything he can for. The one whom despite all the terrible things I am, still wants to love me and walk with me.

Am I wishing too much or being too idealistic? Is wanting to be happy and loved to much to ask?

A million and three times.

If only he knows how I can't live without him.

A million and four times.

A million and five times.

If only he believes that I can put down all the things I said I won't do. I will have his kids, I will move over if he wants, I will do whatever he wants.

If only he could forget my mistakes and love me like before, if only he could do as he used to, and talk to me like nothing happened when we had small conflicts.

Long shot he says

Yesterday was a very rough day.

I cried until there was no more sound.

I cried because I kept fighting for us, but he doesn't seem to want me anymore. Even though he says part of him still does, why do his actions not match?

Why is it he thinks that breaking up is the best solution, when there is so much hope and possibility of good?

How did he get so pessimistic? Is it because he hasn't seen me for months? But then it wasn't my doing! I've been trying to talk to him, I want things back to normal. To me this is merely another conflict we should just settle. It's nothing serious. After all, I did give in, I did say I'll move over.

He thinks that cutting it now saves us from more hurt, but he doesn't realise that not giving us this chance to work through this one conflict is sticking a knife that cannot be removed. It'll stay with me for the rest of my life because I'll always be wondering what I did that was so wrong, what haven't I apologised for, what other misunderstandings are there not resolved. There'll always be these questions and the feel of rejection - that I'm not even worth giving a shot. So what if it's a long shot. A shot is a shot and I'll take it any day.

I know what I want and I'll keep fighting until my bones break and my breath ends. I won't give up.

Even when my heart breaks

Still, You are a great God.

God, You hold me forever.

I said it before and so I keep my word, that in the good times and even in the bad times, I will praise You, worship You and love You. Whether I see it or not, I know You're always loving, protecting and teaching.

I love You.

Getting tougher

It's 2.30am and I'm still awake again. Today's a tough day because I only got a line from him.

Possibly reasons for not responding to me:
1. He's very busy.
2. He doesn't know what to say.
3. It hurts for him to talk to me.
4. He's thinking of breaking up with me, and so he's reducing communication until we meet.
5. He's very angry with me and is punishing me by giving me the cold shoulder.

Every time I send him something, I keep checking my phone every few minutes to see if he's replied. And when I see that he's read it but has failed to respond, that's the hardest. That's when I can't hold back my tears. They fall like bullets into my heart.

Then I'll wonder, what will make him come? What might make him turn back to me? What will make him care for me again? If I'm hospitalised? Badly injured? How do I get there? Should I throw myself down steps? Is that enough? Should I try a couple of storeys? Should I close my eyes and run across, to the red man? Will God forgive me if I stop taking care of myself?

Will my parents understand? Will my students understand? Do they love me enough to know that it's the only way left to remove the pain?

It's getting harder to breathe every day.

It's getting harder to sleep every night.

It's harder to smile, to talk, to laugh.

I don't think I can survive for much longer.

Should I surrender?

So we've been at war. For almost 3 months. Feels like a year.

It started when I proposed because I was tired of waiting. Dave got mad because he felt it was his job to. He rejected me seriously by the way. And then I got mad. Why can't he say "Yes, I love you and want to marry you but proposing is my job so this proposal isn't valid. Wait for me, I'll do it."

Instead, he got really pissed off and we started the war. I was angry that he was angry. And for rejecting me. A rejection is a rejection no matter what. I was so hurt, and so cut, but he didn't understand the power of his rejection. You can't take a rejection back, can you?

We eventually reconciled when I went to Perth for a wedding and when he came over for another wedding. And then we talked about marriage and we both compromised on 30th September 2017 as a reasonable date for our wedding.

The plan was to have the ceremony in Perth and the reception in Singapore. In Singapore standards, 1.5 years isn't quite enough to secure wedding venues. But I was willing to try anyways. So I started on looking up locations and possible venues for the reception in Singapore.

After looking and enquiring to various places, I proposed to Dave the best location I could find, one that I've really liked since I first went for dinner there.

He said no. We talked about how it wasn't fair that his parents' friends couldn't come. I said they were more than welcome. He said they had to fly over. I said similarly, my friends would miss our wedding ceremony. He said it's different. Eventually we agreed that the most fair thing to do was to have 2 wedding ceremonies, and 2 informal receptions. That was actually my very first desire.

The next day, we came back and I told him my parents' were ok with the idea. The only thing was, my dad wanted to host a dinner for his relatives. He felt that our relatives had blessed us so greatly that an informal reception would not reflect our gratitude towards them. I agreed. Dad said that all Dave had to do was turn up. Dad would pay for dinner. I argued that he should take all the angbaos. He said that he'll only take what the cost was. Fair enough. I just didn't want poor dad to pay out of his pocket when it's my wedding.

Told Dave this, and he said he didn't want 2 ceremonies as it would feel like an act the 2nd time around. I said that we could do it different. Still have a march in, still have worship, but screen the promises and vows, then have communion, have lighting of unity candles, then have thank you speeches.

Dave said to just do a massive typical chinese banquet. What we both didn't want in the first place.

His rationale: get it done and over with as quickly as possible.

My question is: even if weddings were tiring for the couple, it should not be something you try to escape. It's only a day in your life that everyone wants to bless you, as you recognise their significance and involvement in your lives. Why be so resistant? It can be refreshing as long as your attitude changes.

The fight didn't end and in July, he ignored me for more than a month. Not a peep from him. In the month, I met people, who journeyed with me as I tried to rationalise and keep my emotions in the healthy range.


Afterward, he came back and apologised for being selfish. But by then, I was hell pissed. He sabotaged the relationship, and then blamed me indirectly, saying that he was scared of me blowing up. I said I wasn't ready to FaceTime him, but he could text me casually, just to rebuild the relationship and communication. I felt that if we talked over FaceTime, I would escalate very quickly as I couldn't comprehend how he could be so selfish to withhold affection for more than a month. To me, it was as though our relationship and communication had to be up to him. Don't feel like talking then don't talk. Feel like talking then expect everything to be absolutely normal.


He was reluctant but eventually gave in. However, every day from then, our conversations were half-hearted.

"What are you doing?"
"How's work?"
"How's school?"
"What are you reading?"
"What are you watching?"

And after my reply, he would disappear for the rest of the day, as if it was a chore he just had to complete every day. This made me puzzled and very hurt. It seemed like he lost his love and desire to chase me anymore. He seemed tired and uninterested. Wasn't every day meant to be a chase?

I decided that it was time to talk. I wanted to use Korea to get away and to think. So having the intense conversation before would be good. But he said he was sick, and he was tired.

And then I took the solo trip to Korea. I booked it for many reasons. But I knew I needed it. I needed to get away for a bit and let myself heal. My body was dying as much as I tried to keep healthy. I realised that the stress I didn't want to recognise was taking it's toll in many ways. My period stopped for many months, the whites of my eyes were bloodshot for 3 weeks and I had to wear sunnies everywhere after the vessel in my eye burst from the pressure that built, when I cried every night. It took so long because I couldn't stop rubbing it. It was so dry and itchy. I had massive headaches and jaw aches from grinding that I had no choice anymore but to take shots to reduce muscular activity. Heaven knows how I hate shots. My weight dropped to an all time low, and people would tell me that when they saw me.

For the first few days in Seoul, we exchanged opinions over whatsapp. He couldn't understand and accept my opinions, and I always had a reply for his points. Once I could give a reasonable reply, he would bring up a new excuse. Essentially, he wasn't swaying. He stopped replying. One night, I found myself sobbing on the streets of Seoul. The tears just came even though I tried so hard to stop. I didn't understand why my body wasn't listening.

For the next few days, I threw those thoughts as far as I could, and just did what I wanted. I spent the money I saved like mad for the wedding. I spent and spent and spent (eventually I sold what I bought for a profit, back in Singapore). All the pain wasn't there in those moments I immersed myself in the culture, food and language. I recovered physically, emotionally maybe just a bit.

Back in Singapore, I asked him if he needed a break. He didn't answer me, but asked me my question. I knew he was lost.

He started saying things which showed me that all he was thinking of were the negatives, were my flaws, how we were bad with conflict resolutions and how our relationship this year had been nothing but painful (it was only 3-4 months). He lost the happy memories, the good growth, the positives. He said he was tired of chasing me again every time we had a conflict.

Isn't every day supposed to be a chase though. Not talking about elaborate dates, but just simple effort to communicate, to want to know what I'm up to, what I see, what I've learnt. Not talking about a hundred roses, but just an action to tell me you want us to keep having happy memories, despite having had quarrelled. Other boyfriends and husbands bring back a flower every day for their partners. I'm not comparing, but being given something special after a conflict does help effectively bring me out of my place of sorrow quickly.

I've always had the same faith and vision of what I'll be doing and where I'll be September next year.  Dave lost his faith and vision. He lost the desire to bring me back to Perth.

I've kept to the same path and not doubted. Dave's let it creep in and take root.

He says I've changed. I've become too Singaporean. Yes that was one of the new excuses he came up with recently. I disagree. I've not become someone who've strayed from God. I've not become someone who indulges in sin. In fact, people tell me they recognise growth. I've not become a materialistic person. In fact, I've been desperately saving money for us.

He says I'm obsessed with social media. Which made me angry and shocked. I downloaded Snapchat and post often because I want to share what I see every day, what I go through every day, with him. Every post was because I missed him, I wished he could be with me to experience what I was experiencing. It would be easier than posting a million pictures and videos in our whatsapp chat. I even encouraged him to do the same but he didn't want to share.

I do understand though, why he might think that I've changed. I have made new friends. Friends that are a million lightyears from him, from me too. But I knew from the start that I should invest in spending time with them, and I wasn't wrong. Every spare moment and every opportunity to, I was sharing about Christianity and what it meant to me. As I interacted with them, they saw that even though I was a Christian, a "good girl" who didn't swear, didn't get drunk, didn't smoke, I could still have fun, still live life to the fullest and still be happy. I was just living, and I was being a testimony. They asked many questions, and I answered many questions. Just a couple weeks ago, one of them started to go back to church every Sunday. He even served in Sunday School a week ago! :) Thank You Jesus, all glory to You.

I was thoroughly disappointed that Dave had these thoughts, but didn't clarify or confront. Simply assumed. And really made a fool out of us. In his defence, he said he thought he could accept it, but he couldn't. I have a feeling that even after these clarifications, it won't sink in for him. I don't know. I hope he realises that he had been utterly mistaken.

I feel that, being in a relationship gives us a right to confront, not glaze over. I belong to him and he belongs to me. If there is something I don't like, even if there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, I can voice it out. For example, if I didn't like that he drinks a small amount of wine regularly, I could voice it out and ask him to cut down, simply because I'm not comfortable with it. There's nothing wrong with a small amount of wine every day. It could just be my preference, but it's important to voice it out.

At this point, I've got one foot at the altar, and one foot at the door. I want to fight for us. Because at the start, I've already made that commitment. Love is a commitment. But then, is it worth it waiting for someone who finds it painful to chase, who doesn't want to chase, doesn't want to stick to compromises, doesn't want to let go of past conflicts and see that I've grown in my manner of speech, in the way I speak during conflicts? Who makes excuses that he doesn't text because he thinks I'll blow up. Well, I think that even if I blow up, it's necessary and important not to escape. Once in a while, I might need to blow up, but it doesn't mean that my thoughts become irrational. It means that I'm voicing out after bottling it up for so long. Escaping will only make things worse. Do I wait for a person whom only wants to marry me when he feels that I'm not a risk? Do I wait for a person who even thinks I'm a risk?

I really think that coming over for a short weekend is needed, though I don't think he'll want to spend that money or think it's necessary.

I pray every day, and pray away the spirit of fear in him, pray away whatever unclean may be clinging on to him because to me it simply does not make sense how a person can change so drastically and forget all the hopes we had, all the desires and dreams we had, but replaced it with fear, with desire for zero risk, with slumber? I pray every day that one day he'll wake up and it'll snap into place, he'll realise that these few months can be replaced by forgetting. He'll go back to texting me a million times a day to tell me he loves me, he'll call me every day just to say hi, he'll be stubborn and tell me to do my own preparations for worship, but still help me find the proper keys at the end of the day.

Am I clinging on to false hope that this relationship can go back to normal?