Getting tougher

It's 2.30am and I'm still awake again. Today's a tough day because I only got a line from him.

Possibly reasons for not responding to me:
1. He's very busy.
2. He doesn't know what to say.
3. It hurts for him to talk to me.
4. He's thinking of breaking up with me, and so he's reducing communication until we meet.
5. He's very angry with me and is punishing me by giving me the cold shoulder.

Every time I send him something, I keep checking my phone every few minutes to see if he's replied. And when I see that he's read it but has failed to respond, that's the hardest. That's when I can't hold back my tears. They fall like bullets into my heart.

Then I'll wonder, what will make him come? What might make him turn back to me? What will make him care for me again? If I'm hospitalised? Badly injured? How do I get there? Should I throw myself down steps? Is that enough? Should I try a couple of storeys? Should I close my eyes and run across, to the red man? Will God forgive me if I stop taking care of myself?

Will my parents understand? Will my students understand? Do they love me enough to know that it's the only way left to remove the pain?

It's getting harder to breathe every day.

It's getting harder to sleep every night.

It's harder to smile, to talk, to laugh.

I don't think I can survive for much longer.