This whole situation looks bad but I'm at peace because I know my God will provide for me. My prayer rises through the ceilings and God hears everything I say.

Dear Lord,

I put everything into your hands, and whatever house I get, I praise You because I have a roof to live under. Help me not greed over material wealth and space, but help me learn that when You give it to me, it is because You want to bless me and there is purpose for giving me those resources.

Give me Your answer in Your own time Lord, all these I pray in Your name, Amen.

When my friends said that they would find it hard to believe even if I said that Christ is real, I felt so bad.

And now, I still feel very affected.

How do I tell you that Christ is real, He is my Lord and saviour, my father and protector, my friend? He is the one who gives me strength and the one who feeds me.

How do I tell you that without Christ, I am nothing. He gives me strength and holds me when I'm not strong enough to hold myself up. He holds me even if I can hold myself up.


I've experienced the Holy Spirit, I have the Holy Spirit. What you see on TV, what you think is credible, more often than not, is not. I'm at a loss, I'm stunned and I don't know what to do. When you say things like that, I think of heaven, and I think of how you might not be there. And there is something I need to do so that it's not like that. I'm scared.

But in times like these, God'll guide me and give me the right things to say.

This whole thing is a test of my patience.

But today in church I learnt that we are overcomers. And that we should thank God from problems. Cos it gives us an opportunity to overcome, and show that we are powerful because we have God.

I'm getting really ticked off by little things more easily. Which obviously is bad.

1. Breathe out.
2. Take a walk.
3. Most importantly, think about God and pray.

I also have to remind myself that if you have nothing good to say, don't say. Better be a better light for Christ.

Sometimes I'm too competitive and I forget that God has a master plan. Who cares what other people do or get. Who cares whether I scored better or worse than others. Who cares whether other people have more disposable money. I should not learn to be such a consumerist. No good to want so many things all the time. I wanna store my treasures in heaven and then be happy big time when I finally get there.

For now.

1. Be a good girl. Stop thinking about fun, too much of it is sin.
2. Study hard. Do my best, but NOT think about results.
3. Save money as much as possible. Save half my breakfast and half my lunch and eat it for dinner.
4. Have QT every day. Daily discipline. It's hard, but try as much as possible. Or pray. Really. Just. Communicate.

Future goals (short term/long term):

1. Good example to the younger people. Doesn't matter whether I'm a CGL or worship leader. Even if I'm not, I don't wanna give people wrong ideas of being a Christian.
2. Real, awesome, up most of the time, happy, learning, 2 way relationship with God. I want to be able to hear him all the time. Like really be able to discern His voice. Yay thinking of it makes me happy. Haha.
3. Work hard, earn and save money to buy cutlery, bedsheets, bed, table, chair and bowls and whatever else needed in my future rented house in Australia. If possible, maybe a second hand car too.
4. Make a list of what is needed for my rented house.
5. Go on exchange.

Yay I'm feeling better already.
Sorry for the mess. I just had to pull it all out.
Ok, now time to study.
DEAR GOD, PLEASE BLESS MY TIME OF STUDYING. I'M GONNA START NOW AND I PRAY THAT I'LL BE ABLE TO ABSORB EVERYTHING AND RETAIN IT WELL. BLESS ME WITH GOOD RESULTS SO THAT I CAN USE IT AS A TESTIMONY, AND HONOUR YOU. GRANT ME WISDOM AND CLARITY OF MIND.
I RECOMMIT MY LIFE IN YOUR HAND TODAY.
ALL THESE I PRAY IN YOUR NAME.
AMEN.

it's hard to concentrate on studies when i keep thinking about how to save money.

it hurts to think that i cant continue with my current lifestyle. no more good jap food.

how about i just want to go to heaven now.

i hate worrying about things. who does.

oh-toh-kay

jin za

wei-o

oh-mo

aiy-goo

really.

ARGH oh my tians.

2 posts in a day. = bad. =(

how.

risk my life and study more? or study less but be safer?

ok i must breathe.

this moment, i'm glad my blog is still relatively private.

if people see this, their impression of me will change.

BIG time.

God please help me. i really cannot do it alone.

cannot cannot.

ate too much. i think i'm so full i can hurl anytime.

too fat. too damn fat already. i should stop binge-ing.

omg stress.

asian studies tut prep tmr

geog lab tmr

asian studies essay thursday

linguistics tut prep thursday

geog pw wednesday

linguistics assignment next thursday

EXAMS coming soon.

oh my tians seriously.

When I get back, don't say it felt like I was away for a short time only.

Don't say, "See, time past so fast, now you're back."

Cos that means I'm less significant.

Just tell me you miss me.

Tell me you're glad I'm back.

I am trying to forget.

And I am proud I said no to Metro. Or rather, no to a certain someone. Yayes. :)

You think I'm easy to get. Haha. Think again. I'm not making things easy for you. I already said, I have no feelings for you. So if you still wanna chase me, try and make things fun for yourself cos I'm not gonna give it.

Now. I shouldnt stress over work. Just be "selfish" and study.

i'm high on the autism spectrum. hahaha. how excellent.

and i'm going crazy.

I'm REALLY GOING CRAZY.

thank God I have God otherwise i might just do stupid things like try to kill myself.

OH cheryl breathe. i must chill. and tell myself it's all good.

i have to think of everything's that happening to me as God growing me.

been to the supermarket twice and the same service boy tried to hit on me twice.

how cute.

I know I don't like him cos I get pissed off when he talks to me too much. Keep asking questions and keep sounding like he knows everything I know, and more.

Keeps pretending we're dang close when I don't even know him well. It's been what. Just 2 months only since I came here.

Just side me and tell me I'm not being an ass.

On another note, the coles boy was hitting on me today. It was funny to watch. Hahaha. :)

I don't really understand why I work so hard but I still don't get the best results.

But I shouldn't even think like that.

Too competitive. I need to get over this otherwise I won't be happy with many things in life.

read my mind now. read it like a book.

i hate to think about stuff like that.

i hate to think about relationships. and i hate it when other guys ask me to consider a relationship.

NO THANKS.

maybe i'll stay single my whole life.

or until you ask me.

I feel like such a failure.

Seriously, I'm nothing but dumb. Stupid.

Oh Cheryl, must breathe.

Maybe I'm just not working hard enough.

But I'm really studying so much.

I feel like it's not fair. The amount I put in is not equal to the results I get.

So ok fine, I'm stupid.

Urgh. I feel so disgusted with myself.

Today is the first time in my life I've thought of myself as worthless. Useless. Like junk. Or worse.

But no, I'm not suicidal.

Today is the first time ever since I've been here that the water in my eyes made it out of my eyes.

The first and last time. Never again.

I'm so happy cos I went for dinner and drinks.

And I can tell you that no matter where you are in the world, one kind of place smells the same.

I found that place today. =)

------------------------

I'm glad that even though I know there'll be many things to think about in future, I don't have to think about it now.

I think I'll just come online on Thursdays. Seriously.

If I don't start studying harder I'll totally kill myself.

Remember how I said that there was a way to know if you really like him? And that's when you never want him to not come?

I found out another one.

It's when talking every day is never an overkill. There's always not enough time.

-------------------------

I feel a bit urgh. Cos someone is overkilling me right now.

Only you make me feel this way. Only you stir up emotions I try to bury.

Too competitive and too much of a perfectionist.

I must remember to do what's enough and move on.

What a struggle.

Thank you Joash. Love you. I loved the song you recorded. It is a good reminder of who God is and how I don't have to be afraid.

It's the best letter anyone has written for me.

Even though I've pretty much settled down, there are so many things I haven't thought about ever since I've been here and your song has reminded me about so much and gave me answers I already have but never dared to put it across my mind in print. I'm overwhelmed in a good way. :)

You can't have the promise land if you keep missing the desert.

And I will not cry. Cos I refuse to. I refuse to feel like an idiot. =)

Ok. I'm not stressed by the 100% anymore. I still am stressed over school.

Ok. Jiayou cheryl. You can do it.

Thank God for giving me a miracle. Thank God for answering my prayers.

I need to work harder and stress even more. This is not enough.

COME ON CHERYL.

---------------

Mum was telling me how funny dad was last sunday when he was cooking.

And for the first time in my life, I wished I was there with my family.

CHERYL CHILL.

Shit. I very stress. Must relax but I wanna cry. Damn it. Curiousity doesn't pay.

I must breathe. DAMN IT.

Aw man I'm such an idiot. CRAP. I'm not being perfectionist. But 100% is damn much better than anything else. OMG.

I'm hyperventilating. I'm gonna faint. SERIOUSLY MAN.

I feel like killing myself. No swearing. But Wahlao. SHIZ.

I feel damn dumb and used sometimes. Like I can't see that a guy's got something on his mind until he tries to kiss me, then I realise I've been leading him on.

WTH.

It's experiences like that that I learn to open my eyes. And prevent stupid stuff like that from happening again.

WINTER IS HERE IN PERTH. Finally. Means that spring is coming. OH HURRY UP SPRING WHAT'S TAKIKNG YOU SO LONG.

I'm missing birthdays in Singapore. Like the twins, fensie jie's, jonnie's, bryan's, the other set of twins, omg. SO many. TOO many.

No hot guy catching my eye. Haha.

There is so much time (seems) that I feel like studying.

Which is good. I finished some work due next week already. But there is still quite a lot more. So fast so many things.

Dear God, please help me keep track and keep up with my work. Help me produce excellent and consistent work. Let me not be stubborn in thinking my way of presenting answers is correct.I pray You'll give me motivation and a will to reach full marks all the time. Help me manage my time wisely and not fall into temptation of playing too much. I commit my uni life into Your hands and I pray that You'll bless me, keep me safe and keep me close to You. In Your name, Amen.

There's always fear. But there's God too.

I wish I could stay in Singapore. Life would be so much more comfortable. Of course, over here, I get to grow up, and I look forward to going back and seeing how I made the right choice to see more of the world and see how much I've matured, as compared to other people who have chosen to stay in Singapore.

Having said that, I think I'm very immature to think that. But that's what everyone says. You go elsewhere to study and you come back and you see that everyone else didn't grow as much as you.

Some parts of me still wish I didn't need to let go of all the people in Singapore. Expensive internet doesn't alleviate the situation.

I think I must remind myself to stay humble. Cos where I am, the room is bigger, the university is bigger and more beautiful, the people look more beautiful, their features are sharper and I get to make friends from all over the world. Of course, it's more expensive, the cost of living is higher, and the diurnal temperature range is bigger. It seems like the benefits of coming outweigh staying in Singapore. But I can't be too proud, I'm here cos I couldn't make it in Singapore. And people back in Singapore(mostly) had a choice to stay or fly. I didn't. And I guess the universities there are ranked higher in the world.

I also need to feel better about myself when I'm outside my house here. I feel ugly cos it seems like everyone else is so beautiful, so much more handsome and pretty. When I'm in my toilet, I see myself on my own, not beside any other person, and I think I feel much better about myself.

Seems like a lot to deal with here. But I'll make it and survive. I hope.

I went to church today. I think it'll be quite easy to fit it. I hope I do. And grow closer to God. And learn how to listen and discern his voice. And become so accustomed to His voice that I can speak all of a sudden, out loud, to answer and talk to Him. :) I'm excited.

For the first time in my life, I am afraid to travel.

I'm afraid to lose contact, lose relationships and lose closeness.

Thats what I know. When I don't communicate with someone, even for a week or two, when we meet again, the connection is lost.

How. IF only NUS or NTU realised they made a mistake, and gave me a place instead.

how ah. i wanna cry.

no ntu. means no singapore.

howhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhow.

howhowhow.

how. tell me.

everytime i think about it, i need to pause, close my eyes and exhale. like only about 200 times.

damn DAMN heart pain.

no more nus.

i heartbreak.

over nus. and over the difference time made.

I didn't forget. It wasn't me.

Blogging for the sake of blogging.

I'm good.

Wow. Look at that. My blog is not all negative huh. Hahaha.

Shiz I have so much to do before flying off.

Visa, health checkups, hostel payment. Clothes, packing, oh my tians. Seriously. Can I not go.

I'm not very happy today.

It's looking a lot like UWA.

I'm feeling more neutral now, about going overseas, not so negative anymore.

I feel like, what the heck. I give up.

I just can't bear to think of change, when I come back, when I see people moving on.

Right now,

I feel sad.

I feel a little bit lost.

I feel very tired, but I can't sleep.

I feel like crying a bit, but I can't cry.

It's all now, and today.

And tomorrow when I go to work, it'll be gone.

I didn't sleep on the bus to work. Not even tired. But I didn't have much sleep at night either.

Monash and UWA. 7 more unis need to reply me, asap.

Have I really gotten over everything?

Maybe.

=)

I try ok I try.

And today I tried to talk, maybe not at the best time,

but you just shot me down and pushed me away.

Nice.

I tried to be nice, I tried to be what you want me to be, the me in the past, whatever, whoever she is. But.

Nice work, dad. What a dad. What a mum. What an awesome family.

Ironic how I work at FOCUS ON THE FAMILY.

I feel TOTALLY abandoned.

For today.

Tomorrow I'll wake up and non of these feelings I have now will still be present.

Ok so I bluff.

I pretend things are better.

Doesn't matter, I'll continue to bluff whoever I can.

Everyone is tired from seeing me tired.

---------------------------------------

Another reason why I can't quit, is because it's the only place I'm happy.

It's the only place people tell me I'm such a joy.

I need the work to momentarily forget everything else that's in my face.

The longer hours I work, the more hours of peace.

I wish I were stronger. Then I can be fully independent and won't have to feel all that I am now.

Life's damn hard.

I'm looking out of my window and I see my roses taped on it.

Is it time to take it off and throw it away or should I still leave it there and hope and dream?

I need to get back to work, where things like that don't cross my mind.
And I can smile.

2 day dry spell over as I think and talk more about Monash.

And all I'll be leaving behind.

And how the next time I'll see people here would be in 6 months maybe, next year?

Even worse, daddy joash and chris are leaving this saturday. That's 2 months more.

I've never cried so much in my life, besides the days in sec 1 and 2 when I was in depression.

I'm not depressed. I don't think I am. Cos in sec 1 and 2, I lost so much weight. I'm like. Eating so much now. Can't be la. Haha.

Monash's taking me. And so my worst fear seems to be coming to life.

another good day. i imagine someone praying for me so that i don't think so much. like really, something's just blocking out my thoughts about it. even when i want to think about it, i can't. i just simply, can't. haha. can be a good thing, can be a bad thing, who knows.

crazy busy. took me the whole day to prepare THoS, help jeannie pack 300 packages for PEPS, prepare conference room yada yada.

i'm gonna be in by 8am tomorrow. oh help. i think i'll need extra strong coffee. alicafe here i come.

Today's a good day. =)

It's easy not to think so much when you have 2 meetings in the day and an errand which could take 2 hours.

These tears are not over nothing.

Today it has haunted me too many times.

Tomorrow I must be braver, stronger.

Yesterday's AO time was unexpected, I didn't expect myself to break, but I did.

-----------------------------

My No Apologies course was great, time passed really quickly. 3 days felt like one. It's like, camp. The first day, you don't know anyone.

The second day, you pretend you know everyone, but don't actually call people by name unless they're wearing their name tags.

The third day, you start to get to know them and like them, and then you say goodbye.

Course content:

Really made me sweat. Hard. Many good activities, but answering questions, being bold, yada yada... Wow. Not easy. I always thought it was easy money.


----------------------------

Today in church.

Wow.

-----------------------------

I'm better.

But still.

I just want to tell someone everything that's around me and in me.

----------------------------

Today at frolick I served Quan Yi Feng, Desmond Ng and another artiste.

And I admit, I was quite happy to see them. I was a lil excited. I gave a little more than usual, and piled up the toppings. And when Quan Yi Feng went, "This is good!" I was happy.

And I thought, why is service in a ministry different. It should be the same, or even better. God's a bigger celebrity, He deserves better. When we serve Him shouldn't we be more excited, shouldn't we put in more effort to please Him?

--------------------------

Everything else is fine, there's just one more thing.

Everytime I think about it, I cry.

Today was a bad day, I almost cried at work.

My mum said that she was very certain, she would not be able to depend on me when she grew old.

Oh well. I don't really care what people say about me, even my mum.

I know myself that my intentions were not wrong.

I thought I was recovering.

But then I got my first rejection letter, from ANU.

And my heart grew cold again.

All this is making me look like a dumb ass.

No, I am. Hahaha. I am.

I feel like I'm slowly losing everything.

To the past is where I wanna go to hide.

Way back in the past, when things weren't so sad and when I didn't care what people said.

There was no distance, because you didn't care either.

I like that. That then.

Please. Bring me back to that then.

All I needed (possibly) was to cry. After holding it in so long.

And I did, today. I hope it's enough.

And so this feeling returns.

When I don't wanna go home, and when work is never enough.

It's true if you don't have personal time with the Lord, you'll forget what His voice sounds like.

Like today when my mum picked up her phone, I still asked for Christina.

Ok, so I just realised.

I'm sorry this is totally random and unrelated to whatever I just posted.

My life now, is spinning the wrong way.

I think I'm just escaping from what I know is there, but is silent.

Haunted.

I can't sleep because I'm haunted by memories that I wanna forget.

All these is making me rely on God more.

Which is good.

But the process is painful.

I remember the pastor at Ignite saying that God saves you when you're in the trouble, not from the trouble.

Makes sense.

But still painful.

I died.

I'm glad I'm blessed with good genes. No after effects. Cool.

I lost my phone and then I prayed and I then I got it back.

God's telling me, "HELLO, first warning ah. Never do it again."

I told God, "Never again, God. I can't promise I won't, totally, but I will promise I won't go so far anymore."

In those short moments, I forgot about the band on my finger.

Today's not a very good day.

I gotta start doing my uni apps soon.

Or I die.

Home's not so sweet now.

I have to calm down before going home. I have to relax.

When someone's outside, I stay inside.

When someone's coming, I hide.

Because I'm still living in my past, I can't get out yet. I'm stuck.

Because it's hard to move on.

Because this is like a strong strain of virus. I'm not sure when I'm gonna recover.

Till then, I shouldn't infect people. I'll quarantine myself.

-------------------------

The sun doesn't shine for you.

The wind doesn't blow for you.

The birds don't sing for you.

The world doesn't stop because you did. It moves on.

-------------------------

Meet Rylle. She's 163cm. 41kg.

She's from SA too.

She's my dance friend.

Her parents aren't as strict as mine. Her parents let her stay out as long as she wants, as regularly as she wants.

She stays in a landed property. She has WII at home! Her parents let her friends stay over all the time.

She's pretty. With long dark brown hair. Eyes bigger than mine and good complexion.

Her features are sharp. Deep brown eyes.

She's slim. Good figure. I bet she's a B or C. Her waist is so small. She says she wears size 6.

She's so smart. She scored AABB and B for GP. She scored B for both PW and chinese. She took the same combination as me! =)

She's so well-liked. She knows like half the school. And people always tell her stuff. Ask her out. Yada yada.

She's got a boyfriend. He's quite handsome actually. I've never seen him in person before. Just pictures.

She's got a lot of cool clothes. Dresses and all. Sometimes I borrow her stuff.

Rylle's got this accent. Not very strong. Texan. She speaks like a true blue Singaporean when she's with me and with other good friends too. But I've seen her use her accent when interacting with strangers. Haha. Sometimes I do hear the accent when she speaks to me, but I guess she's too used to it, sometimes she doesn't realise.

Rylle's my good friend.

She was the only one who knew how I really felt about everything that happened recently. I didn't tell her but she knew.

-----------------------

I escaped. I just didn't know how to handle it.

Everybody's so happy. Just not me. The happiness reminded me of my failures.

Everyone is so smart. Smarter than me.

They're more able to laugh and enjoy themselves without me.

I just kill the air.

I'm sorry.

-------------------------------


I JUST CAN'T WALK OUT OF IT ON MY OWN.

I JUST NEED ONE HUG.

ONE HUG. And a shoulder to cry on.

Every since the results. I haven't let it all out, how I really feel.

I've been holding my tears.

I just need to let it out.

Somebody please.

I guess not.

In secondary school, I made a mask.

It was pink cheeked. Seems as though the face had a healthy glow.

The lips were apart, corners pointed up.

The eyes holes were small. So small, you can't read the eyes of the person behind the mask.

There weren't any holes for the nose, but you can't see.

I hated the mask. It looked nice, but I couldn't breathe when I wore it. The elastic part holding the mask to my face was so short, it was so tight. Sometimes, I had difficulties taking it off.

I wore it in school so much, schoolmates reacted differently towards me when I had the mask on and when I took it off.

I thought I threw it away after I graduated from secondary school.

I found it recently.

As I walked to the office, a wall of people were walking towards me, from the interchange to the mrt station.

I was reminded of skiing and how much I miss it.

Eh Cheryl Hoe skiing competition got 3rd lor please. Don't ask me to show you medal though. Throw away already. When moving back to Cherry Hill, mummy said just keep all the better ones, the rest all throw away, no space. I had like more than 13 medals for a lot of stuff like table tennis, swimming, volleyball and skiing. Now I just have the trophies and 4 medals on my shelf.

I wonder how much of myself I should put on the blog. Afterall, people still do read it. What if my J1s chanced upon this page and they see how ugly their leader can get. Like WOAH. My cgl has unpleasant memories and thoughts, and she does go through times where she doesn't like things. WOAH my cgl got secrets. She never writes in detail. Everything is so emo. WOAH my cgl can be emo. I can do the same.

There is a responsibility I have to take. And yet, if I am not able to let myself blog to release the stress, it's gonna build.

In times like this I question myself and ask if I'm the right one.

Unworthy, I'm more immature than you think. Do I even have the ability to do so? How can I be the one when there are so many better?

Yeah everything is part of a great masterplan.

I just don't see how such a me can do anything useful. How God can use a tiny, idiot, inexperienced me as a tool, to make an impact.

OK I got the answer. My heart has to be willing.

Wow. Look what I just typed. Easier typed than done.

Oh God I pray for strength, for miracles and hearts to be open. I pray for your guidance and wisdom and I ask you help me make the right decisions. I pray for sensitivity and initiative. I pray for love and forgiveness.

I pray for clean hands and a clean mind and a clean heart. I pray that who I am is a good example and what I do is worth mimicking.

My mummy said I is be da bomb after I told her I dozed off in the bus. Standing up.

Heheh.

I held on to the railing before diving head first into the person in front of me. Hee.

On Sunday when the lady was putting make up on me, I fell asleep. BUT. That's like. Acceptable lor. You ask me close my eyes so long, I was sitting in a soft chair somemore.

Last week I slept on the bus all the way to the interchange. Until the bus captain was about to park the bus, then I appeared from behind. She stopped and let me down before she drove off.

My 3 brothers paid an insane amount.

To make me smile.

Awesome day guys, love yall. =)

Stress. No stress.

Gone the days when I was, I was happy.

The only reason why in this modern time and age I still write letters is because that's the only way I can effectively communicate with my parents. Seriously.

I told you so. I told you'll break earlier than me. =)

HAHAHA. This feels good. Now if only it could last.

I choose to believe that what I'm gonna do will affect you more than it will to me. And then you'll see that what was before was good.

I am so evil. Hahaha.

Felt so good when I was back from the gym, I ate a biscuit, some grapes, some blueberries and half a piece of bahkwa.

BAHKWA eh. I am so awesome. Hahaha.

MANDA!!!!

I washed the mop about 20 times at frolick today. And my hand is bruised cos I didn't see that the mob handle was spoilt and the plastic was jutting out. So when I wringed the mobhead dry, when I twisted the handle, friction.

And I hosanna, til my skin tore, I'm numb.

I'm happy today. My singing was horrible and I thought practices were better than the real thing. I did manage to achieve my goal though.

I'm tired.

I've got tracking and archiving to do tomorrow. YAY finally I've got full access to the database, I can do my work without any problems. I actually like working at Focus on the family. =)

It's becoming increasingly difficult to write the little paragraph on my dad and what he means to me when I'm still in this emotional phase.

I have never taken so long, days, to write something. Writing a lit essay in JC didn't even take so long.

Now's a lot.

My purity ring says Worth the Wait.

Jo! I have a purity ring! =)

Actually in the first place I don't intend on having sex before marriage. So wearing the ring is not so significant, since I have already made a choice.

I'm posting so much these few days.

I think I'm stressed.

At this moment, I feel weaker than before. I feel like crying. A bit.

And I know how to be stronger. So I will. For my sake, for the sake of returning to just weeks ago when it was all happy, healthy and good.

This means that it'll be harder. Climbing back uphill is never easier than sliding down. But eventually when I get to the top, it'll be rewarding.

-----------------------------

Today in the office, God told me twice to be still. Once in the song, once in a cookie. I don't think it's coincidental.

Amy jie once said that the reason why people repeat stuff is because it's important.

And I understand that peace is found in the Lord.

And I'm going to come back to Him.

I thank You Lord for revealing Yourself to me again, and I thank You for Your mercies which are new every morning. I pray for forgiveness and guidance as I continue to walk.

I pray for peace and the comfort in knowing that You've got my life wired, there's no need to worry about the future. So Lord I give thanks because You are good.

I pray You'll answer my prayers and allow me to move on from here, I pray that You'll help me learn to accept all that You have given and taken away from me.

Lord I recommit my life to You. Amen.

I'm sorry I take it all back. It's not what I feel. I was just posting emo shiz. Haha.

----------------------------------

On saturday, the dreaded feeling came back to me. And I walked out alone.

I am worth the wait.

It's like, God's giving me forks in the road and I have to choose my path. Sometimes I may make a wrong turning or two but He's still there every second trying to make me turn around and walk the right way.

Like now. Like with all these happening. God's put me in an environment full of people after His heart. It's like subtle prompts to walk right.

I want to be in places where God is happy.

I thank you all for making this birthday better than I had expected.

My lovlies, the J3s in TM/TF,

wyn jeanne nana gracie angel elaine jess jamescgl daryl esmond eliel johnk ben and whoever was there on sunday but I didn't see cos I ran away, your love and efforts, planted in the middle of my brain and heart.

my bros,

kelvin jamesliew and bryan for the surprise outside my door and the VERY LOUD "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" in my face, not forgetting the balloons that flooded the dining hall floor hahaha.

my parents,

for GIVING BIRTH TO ME, and the giant cake, I love you both, although I might possibly love you both even MORE if I could even start to learn to drive. heh.

my sixinaclique,

for the normal dinner, and then the blindfolded drive to I have no idea where since I was blindfolded, the sparklers spelling my name and everthing else. If yall don't rock, I dunno who else rocks (besides God).

and thank you to many very special people who facebooked msned and msged or called me thoughout the day to wish me. LOVES.

I'm afraid I'll miss out people so I won't name.

On a side note, I had 3 cakes, 2 exactly the same, bought by different groups of people. All 3 were bought from the same place! Haha. I'm gonna be eating cake for breakfast for another week I think! =)

My lovlies wanted to surprise me at church today, but I surprised them back instead. Haha! I bet they were disappointed. I'm sorry dears, I thought it would be fun. Two can play in a game like that. I'm rebellious and love giving people a hard time. Sometimes. Haha. Hey anyway life's unpredictable what. Heh.

I am predictable sometimes, like, how some people will surely know I'll definitely blog. But at times I am unpredictable, people can't understand my actions. =)

One more hour and five minutes before I turn 19, I hope people who matter to me will remember to wish me, especially one of my favourite people in the world.

Ohhhhhh. Cheryl has a secret!

Haha. Not really. This creates an air of mystery ain't it?

WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS CHARACTER?

BOY OR GIRL?

WHAT IS THEIR RELATIONSHIP?

I hate that I start work tomorrow. I feel sian already.

I'm not sure why I chose to work for lower pay than frolick, longer hours, less fun, you see less people, yada yada.

God has a plan la. =)

I'm just gonna follow. Haha.

I predict.

=(

I am amazed at my lack of discipline, eating so much rubbish during CNY. And it's not even the 2nd day.

So many miracles have happened in the past few days that I cannot not recognise God's love, grace and mercy.

I keyed in data in the day and served yoghurt at night.

Dear God, please give me that job at Focus on the family.

Keying in data was a tad draining but it's an experience I want down in my resume.

Working at frolick later at night gave me time to relax and have fun, and earn money for doing just that! =)

Jeannie and I might have hit target. 7-730pm was crazy hour, frolick was PACKED. No standing space, no sitting space, the floor was covered with either footwear or bags that you couldn't tell the colour of the floor. We just grabbed empty cups to fill and just ran back and forth. FUN. =)

My lovelies came to visit.

I'm at this point in my life where I find myself deep in responsibilities and events I need to remember and take note of.

PANIC ATTACK. Haha.

Oh man I need to unload. So here goes.

1) THE ADULT FARES OMG. I'm sorry this is kinda late but I only activated my adult ezlink card today, I only heard the single beep for the first time today.

TRAVELLING IS LIKE WHOA. I need to gt used to this really.

2) Finding a job. 2 interviews this week. By God's grace, one would be what God has planned for me.

3) Personal goals. Yeah I set some.

4) CG.

5) WL.

6) Fellowship/ support. I feel like what I don't want to feel, deal with, is coming back. I hate this cos it cripples you for a while. In that while of time, I can't abandon all duties to rid the stupid feeling either so I am rather dead.

7) Get used to my guard. Still not used to them. I feel like taking it off every few seconds.

I'm tired and want sleep. It's only .30am. I AM SO HAPPY. Thank God for my desire to sleep. Sleeping at 4am these few days kills your body clock really.

OK I NEED SLEEP.

I am a fool for Christ.

I am a fool for Christ.

No matter what people will say, I'm running after You.

Suddenly, the words seem so hard to say.

But why should I let the devil have a hold on me?

Why should I let the devil rake up thoughts I don't want to hold in my mind?

He's able, he's able, I know He's able, I know my God is able to carry me through.

And I realise I need child-like faith, to stand and face the world.

I ran home today.

I felt like my home is where I'm safest, where I won't need to face the world, where I have nothing to worry about.

I pushed the door shut behind me.

But the world is where the people are, where the harvest is plentiful.

I asked God to save me from the world, but it is where I should be.

I need to remember to take every step at a time, in faith.

I need to rely, to remember and to rely on God's strength.

I am a fool for Christ.

I should be happy. I should focus entirely on Christ.

I SURVIVED MY FIRST DAY OF WORK.

How awesome.

Tomorrow I'm bringing a fan and a bottle of water. Hahaha.

Giving out the papers for good money felt awesome. =)

I didn't do much work. Everyone was so nice. The people at sph, the guards and teachers at SAS...

From sph to car, the lady helped me carry the papers.

From car to step outside quard house, lady helped me carry the papers.

From step to guard house, teacher helped me carry the papers.

From guard house to the gallery, guard helped me carry the papers.

How awesome. And Sybs came down to help after she was done with her papers in Zhonghua.

The papers were gone almost immediately. Everyone was like "I want I want!" and before a blink of the eye, they were gone. =) Thanks Sybs! Haha.

I totally slept through my appointment and Sybs appointment at BH. HAHA. Tired.

And then I went to get jabbed.

I tell you, the lady at the counter was like laughing at my stories of how I did not get jabbed before MOB and the doctor gave in and gave me oral medication cos I started crying before the jab. Haha. And the one where the nurses at the hospital were called in to hold me down while the doctor gave me a jab. In P6. Haha.

Eh I TRIED. To psycho myself for a second that it was ok. But when I saw the needle and the vaccination inside the syringe I panicked. The lady came in to hold me and I held Sybil's hand tight.

And the doctor told me not to squirm and repeat " You pain I not pain" (in chinese).

MY ARM ACHES NOW. It hurts. =( I can't lift it or lock it.

I got dance tomorrow, I CAN'T WAIT. SERIOUSLY CAN'T WAIT.

I don't think I'll dance much WITH MY ARM LIKE THAT though, maybe recap a bit. Then go off to work.

AHHHH WORK. SHIZ MAN I'm nervous. HOW. I still have many things I don't know.

FAINTED LAH.

-------------------------------

Daryl's surprise was a flop. Damn. I'm so angry at him for punking me. And I am so angry at myself for allowing myself to make this mission a failure.

It can't be helped since I wasn't familiar with the place. BUT. That's no excuse. I shouldn't have failed. Cheryl cannot fail in acting. I want to refuse to believe I failed but thats the fact. Can't be helped.

I need to chill. And stop being so perfectionist, such a sore loser.

I still hate you Daryl Chee, for you, double priced frolick. HAH.

Haha I'm kidding.

I'm serious about the chilling though. Haha. I really am too competitive.

----------------------------

I think my dad thinks I'm looney.

I cry when my arm hurts.

And then I think about funny stuff like how ruru walked into daddy and fell back like she walked into a wall. Daddy on the other hand, stood perfectly still like nothing happened. HAHA.

And I laugh.

So I cry a minute and laugh the other, cry and laugh.

I think the real world is stressful.

I think I am almost depressed.

I have to get a jab before work.

I AM SO FRICKIN DEAD.

NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A JAB.

Help.

Tomorrow I have to be at sph at 11, be driven to work, work, rush home for the people coming.

Tuesday I gotta send in my profile info, get a jab, tell yx, be at frolick at 515 and work.

Wednesday I've got work.

Oh Lord help me.

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

You cannot watch and not cry.

Watch this only when you're ready too, watch this with an open mind and open heart.

I wasn't very tired when I woke up this morning, I was more excited, 3 job interviews. Hohoho.

But then.

All 3 turned out to be disappointments.

The first one needed weekend workers and start in Feb.

The second was nonsense. Maybe I'll regret saying this in the future, afterall, the company IS expanding. But I'm just not into sales and all. Venture E? Nah. Don't think so.

I'll still be giving it a shot though. Tomorrow. Again.

Third. Frolick. Again weekend workers needed.

Too bad I strictly don't wanna work weekends. The pay is higher though.

And I want a job that pays $1000 or more a month.

All that effort travelling Singapore, resulted in like, practically nothing.

I learnt ONE THING.

And that is to NEVER WEAR HEELS if you want to walk around Singapore.

After yesterday in heels, today was a torture.

Now even walking barefooted and pointing my toes are painful.



Happy finding a job, cheryl.

PEOPLE if you know what my 930 rule is about, PLEASE help me stick to it. Hahahaha.

It's only January and I'm totally killing my 930 rule.

Bad bad.

Amazing is how minutes after I posted what I did, I read an email that said that God's faithfulness is forever.

If He was able to provide in the past, He is still able to do so now.

So have faith, just trust. Really. Just trust.

I need a job.

One that allows me flexible hours, non-weekend.

One that pays more than $1000 a month.

My 1st month's pay will be for CBF.

Yay so exciting! =)

Oh Lord You’ve searched me,

You know my way;

Even when I fail You,

I know You love me.

Your holy presence

Surrounding me

In every season,

I know You love me;

I know You love me.


At the cross I bow my knee,

Where Your blood was shed for me,

There’s no greater love than this.

You have overcome the grave,

Your glory fills the highest place,

What can separate me now?



You go before me,

You shield my way,

Your hand upholds me;

I know You love me.

And when the earth fades,

Falls from my eyes,

And You stand before me,

I know You love me;

I know You love me.


You tore the veil, You made a way

When You said that it is done.


--------------------
Yucks heart pain again.

I spent $50 on beads wow.

-------------------

I need to think.

I need to relax.

I need to settle and chill.

I need to follow God.

I need to take every step in faith.

I need help.

I need to have faith.

I need to slow down.

I need to pray.

I need to pause.

I need to focus.

I need a job.

I am talking about 3 things in a few needs.

-------------------

As I hug my laptop to my face, stuggling to hear Joanne's prayer for me over MSN, I feel a sense of comfort and strength.

I feel like I am finally able to be "at peace" for a while, and sleep soundly.

I gotta meet Jeanne and Ian early at 11am tomorrow at which I still dunno where, and it's 330am.

Wowza.

Things to get:

Wii

frames

swimming costume

swimming costume for serious swimming

beads

phone

wallet

backpack

job

I spent less than half the nights in december at home, how fun. I must do it again. HAHAHA.

Camp, Christmas, birthdays, J2 trip, my hope, countdown.

I'm not bored of my J2s yet. Haha.

I'm glad also, that was able to catch up with Jonnie and all. =) Made me realise how much fun they are, missed them INCREDIBLY MUCH.