What I want is not something that comes with a price.

I want something unconditional.

I don't need anything expensive or cost $500.

I just want a small something, that I don't have to work for, or suffer for, or prove myself worthy of.

That'll make me happy.

An example of unconditional:

" Ok, I'll let you do ____________."

Not.

" Ok, I'll let you do ____________, provided you score 4As for A Levels or prove to me you're worthy of ____________."

No. No provided. No prove to me. No show me you can. None of that.

And 4As? HAH. Joke of the century. I'll get 4As the very day As are worthless. God can't possibly give me 4As for the tiny shizload of work I've done. Although I very much would like Him to. That'll be a huge miracle.

I think I'm taking for granted the fact that I scored better than expected for PSLE and O Levels and I'm "expecting" the same for A Levels. It just hasn't sunk in that it's not that easy to do the same.

Ok, I know what I want.

I want to hear God's voice. CLEAR. Doesn't matter if it's gentle like the rustle of leaves or like the thunderstorm, although I'll be very much more afraid if it's the latter. But I want to know He's the God of the impossible, I want Him to tell me to press on and not give up, to do my best, whatever time left I have. I want Him to show me something small but incredible, that'll make me understand and know that He's always there, even when I can't see. Something like the time I walked through the downpour and not get a single drop of rain on me. But bigger.

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I asked Jonah down for the Jonah series starting this weekend.

But he's still thinking about it. I'm sad it's taking him so long to decide.

And that my wanting us to be back where we were before rapture is so difficult to make happen.