Today was a terrible day.

Overthinking in exams, knowing that I wouldn't get full marks.

Dropping my clean t-shirt in the bathroom.

Not having avocado milkshake after a day of psyching myself up for it..

Ty makes me happy, but once in a while I can't help but think, "WHY this boy like this."

How come he's not as interested in making friends. How strange.

Learning to love and accept that people are different from me. Even if I do expect more from him, but  I cannot expect him to be like me.

I keep thinking, if he wants to know me, he should intentionally get to know my friends at a deeper level too. After all, they did grow up with me.

Let go, let God take the wheel in this relationship.

You never know.

God put two people together. You may think that she's got attractive qualities. God-centred, similar interests, all that. After years, she could get impatient from waiting. That could break the relationship though technically, everything can be solved by talking about it, laying out the options, and coming to a compromise or decision. If less time was taken to get to marriage however, none of these would happen. Once in a commitment, marriage rules apply.

Not saying that I have any leftover feelings. I'm damn happy now with Ty. I'm convinced he's the one for me. He's got his flaws and I've got mine, but I realised that I still can love him and support him even with all that he is, flaws, the good and all.

If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you. You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. - Bob Marley

It was so tough planning worship for a Sunday focused on communication within the family.

Thanks be to God who dropped songs in my head and led me to songs which I didn't think would flow.

 Was pleasantly surprised to hear how it ministered to people because even for closing song I just felt like it wasn't relevant to the message.

Who kmew that righteousness, the focus I chose, was what Pastor Joe said, "crucial to understand individually as our identity, and who we are, before we relate to others."

All glory to Him alone.

Can only be God taking care of me.

Thursday I went to the wholesale florist to get flowers for Reena's wedding which happened yesterday. Since her theme was "glam, maroon and gold, classy", I thought it would be a good opportunity to challenge myself with flower arrangement.

Choosing flowers I've not worked with is tough. I also had to work with Kae for the board and so it was tough to visualise and find the best way to get unfamiliar flowers for both and be in theme.

Was on WhatsApp with Kae when I walked into the freezer, taking pictures of what I thought we could get. Phone dies. I panicked a bit and was scared. Didn't want to buy anything that wouldn't be used!

Asked around the few people who came to buy flowers but none had a portable charger. Prayed like mad.

Eventually, a kind soul came into the freezer and he had a car, and the charging wire.

So thankful.

Things I'll remember about Dallas:

1) Baby Jake crying at traffic lights when the car stops and then immediately quieten when the car moves again.
2) Cheesecake Factory dinner and their large portions, and having 2 slices of pretty awesome cake.
3) Having lunch at a real BBQ, choosing meats from a pit, and then paying by weight.
4) Seeing the longhorns walk down the road.
5) Going to church before my flight to NY. Sensing the Holy Spirit, and knowing that God is there.

Things I'll remember about San Francisco:

1. Pier 39 has dang awesome mini donuts by Trish.

2. Fog Harbour Fish House, amazing crab, clam chowder. 

3. Alcatraz island tour, worth booking in advance for these tickets, got to see a whale along the way, got to see the workings of the famous prison. 

4. Handlery Union Square Hotel is flanks by the art galleries, and every day I get to see some of the really interesting pieces of Dr Seuss. 

5. Mum and dad snoring, Bryan described it like a train. 

6. Union Square and the parents pronouncing Saks as "sucks"

7. One of the best pieces of Toro I've had from Mikaku in Chinatown.

8. Starting my solo part of the US trip. Going to visit Nana, Yimin and baby Jake!! As I type, I'm waiting by myself at the gates, with sushi and unsweetened cold green tea. 

Things I'll remember about Las Vegas:
1. The business class flight to SFO
2. The first class flight to Las Vegas
3. Walking down the strip, seeing all the lights
4. Jackpot machines even in the most mundane places like airports, post offices.
5. Mum and dad fighting over shake shack for dinner or not. That dinner didn't taste as good as the second time we had it, in Santa Monica, LA.

Things I'll remember about LA:
1. Warner Brothers Studio Tour. Seeing the sets and sounds stages of Big Bang Theory and other shows, being a wall away from where The Ellen DeGeneres Show is taped.
2. Shake Shack
3. In and out burger wasn't as good.

Things I'll remember about Outer California:
1. Hearst Castle with all its antique artifacts and decoration. How Mr Hearst, being introverted, created all these rooms and rules so that people could socialise well.
2. Hailing in Yosemite, seeing El Capitan and Bridalveil fall in freezing summer weather.
3. Sitting at the end of the corridor in the lodge at Yosemite because the wifi is better here.
4. Stalking Dave on Facebook and seeing he took down our relationship status. Honestly, my heart is a little broken, I wish he could at least talk to me like a normal friend. Even if it was to ask how I was, or to just politely tell me he was taking it down. Nonetheless, I'm thinking back on the past 5 years and I'd say they were some pretty good years. Thanks for the memories.
5. Missing Ty and waiting for the morning in Singapore so that he'd be awake.
6. Knowing in this moment that my heart is still mending, but that I'll love him more and more every day, striving to love as Christ did the church, just as much and more than in my past relationships, and one day my heart will only be full, or be broken by him.

God comes through and delivers.

He walks with me through pain and celebrates with me in joy.

He leads me through the valley of the shadow of death, and He makes me lie down in green pastures.

My heart has been through much pain,  but every day I choose to choose to be a bit happier. I haven't forgotten how he chose to leave me in heartbreak and give me up,because it seemed easier that way. Maybe a small part of me still stubbornly knows that things are actually fixable, difficult, though only if he wants. So now, it is not for me to take action.

I am not angry. I choose to find happiness around me. I keep walking. One day I will change my words, and say that I had been broken for something even better.

So hard not having help preparing worship.

So even though I have the order and what I want in my head, I can't express it in a way they'd understand. If only I knew how to look at and speak in chords.

My team thinks we're winging it. Breaks my heart.

Last September my in-ears broke. Took a while for me to send it in for repairs. Had to make new impressions, and got new moulds done.

Just got my repaired in-ears back, and they fit even better than before.

Kinda like my love life?

Perhaps I've finally done it. Perhaps God's giving me another godly man who wants me. Let'a not jinx it now.

Don't sweep it under the carpet and think that time will heal the wounds.

Time heals clean wounds but soiled wounds fester and infect. - Mark McMinn

Maybe I need to forgive. Even if there is no apology, but all the wrong I feel, I want to throw away. I want to fogrive as He did.

Forgiveness isn't understanding, it's getting up and doing it.

5 months short of 5 years.

5 months since.

If he wanted me back, he would have said something. Anything. Showed me a sign.

It's time to move on I think.

Would have been 5 years tomorrow.

I met Timmy and as I was sharing about how I've moved on, I realised that I really am still grieving over what was lost. Because I have no answers and I cannot understand. As much as I tell people that I've given it to God and have asked for peace whether or not I have closure, my tears were involuntary. I tried my best not to cry already.

I really don't want to trouble him anymore to give me something I need to move on. What more, I'm sure he's already at peace with the decision he made. It was, after all, a decision he made. So why initiate, why bring him back to a place he hates? I tell myself, if I love him, I'll let him be happy and free as he should be now. If he's not completely happy, he'll turn to God anyways, he doesn't need me.

Half a decade ago over Easter weekend, the most amazing thing happened.

As it gets dangerously close to Easter, I find myself thinking about it more and it still hurts after 5 months. I still wish I could celebrate every Easter in Perth. I thought this year's would be the last one away from FCC.

God sent me an angel.

She doesn't usually speak. She writes in a little notebook when she wants to tell me something. Sometimes I don't really understand what she's trying to say. Because she gets her spelling of words wrong.

Yesterday, she told me she was happy to be in my school and that she found her talent. She's told me this at least 5 times. She's been in the guitar club for a year now. And she says she can play very well. Every time, I'd tell her I'm happy for her. I never really believed her. How can someone with very little hand eye coordination, who is awkward, who doesn't speak and has difficulty with social communication, be good at an instrument she never play in her life until a year ago for CCA?

Yesterday, I asked her, why don't you play me a song? She wrote down slowly that she didn't have her guitar, it was in the class. She is only allowed to play it after school. That's ok, if I'm still in my room, come and play a song for me after school.

I wasn't expecting it. Only when she knocked on my door did I remember that I had extended the invitation to her.

So she took out her guitar, and asked me to sit next to her. She wrote that I should see which F chord I didn't know how to play. I told her this weeks ago. She showed me some finger positions, but I told her, I didn't know any of them.

She started playing a song for me. Nervously at first. But then she played another. And another. And another. All without lyrics, just repeated chords. Some strumming, some plucking. All unknown songs, because so many songs have the same chord progression right?

Then she looked at me in-between a song, and she started to play a familiar tune.

In my heart, the words came to life.

Bless the Lord, O my soul. O my soul. Worship His Holy name. Sing like never before, O my soul. I'll worship Your Holy name.

At that moment, I knew she was a God-send. My angel. This girl, so small, used by God, in such a mighty way.

She doesn't speak, but at that moment, she sang through her music, about a wonderful God who never forgets His children. About a God who provides, in the most unexpected ways.

Was not expecting to cry so much in Beauty and The Beast. But the love they shared was something I really wished I had. I thought I had. And so I cried because I was glad that movies like these still give me  something to dream about.

Beast let her go but never stopped loving her.

For some reason I'm thinking about him a lot now today. When he said " I don't think this would work out" keeps replaying in my mind. I keep seeing myself turn to the left so my tears fall out of the view on the computer.

I keep thinking that I should have said "No, we haven't even tried to talk about it yet, we should give it a chance, we've come so far."

I keep reliving the moment when we were eating at Maccas at the airport and he moved to sit next to me and "Don't worry, I'm working on it. I promise I'll propose soon."

Chris Martin sang

All I know, is that I love you so. So much it hurts.

Had half a scoop of Baskin Robbins yesterday. I think I did well. Haven't had it since Perth. It tastes exactly the same.

Watched the video Ps Benny posted on the new church building. Part of my heart ached from knowing I can't be part of this.

Talking to other guys about who I am just reminds me about how he knows me so well he would pray for me when he knows I'm restless from too many small things clustered together. It's tiring.

Today someone asked me about my other half in Perth.

He was apologetic when I said we weren't together anymore.

But I'm ok, I could talk about how it's been 5 months and how time past really quick.

Baby steps. Don't want to jinx it.

4 days in Brunei got my mind off entirely. Absolutely no time for anything else other than taking care of my 30 girls and bringing them back to Singapore safe.

Thank You God for giving me such an eye opening experience. Seeing villagers in the water village be happy with dilapidated houses made of ply wood and zinc sheets that have holes in the floor, yet are happy and grateful with a simple fresh coat of paint on their walls, really gave me appreciation for what I have. Made painting the walls and doing the minor repair works in stuffy humid conditions bearable.

Didn't have proper internet so I'm now desperately preparing for tonight's practice. This week's message is going to be by Rev Paul from Toronto. I'm excited to hear what God would say through him.

Thank You Jesus. For such a busy week. For a thought provoking play last night, and boating later: all good enough (hopefully) to take my mind off not being able to be in Perth today.

What are words if you really
Don't mean them when you say them
What are words if they're only
For good times then that's all
When it's love yeah you say them
Out loud these words
They never go away
They live on
Even when we're gone

Heard this song and it stung. Yeah it still hurts after these months although I've tried so hard to forget and move on.

This I'll promise, and have kept so far, that I'll never give up on my partner. 

In the good times or bad times, I know it's all possible to work it out. It's just a matter of wanting to or not. Nothing is impossible with God. 

I'll always be steadfast to him, even though I wasn't loved the same way. 

Praise and honour unto Thee.

I see Ian and hear Ian but my heart does not hurt.

One day I hope I can say the same for Dave.

I think he never wants to remember me ever again.

His voice comes up as I let iTunes run on it's own.

I hear his fingers across the piano, I can see his sillouette  as I sit on his left, and the light comes in from the backyard door.

He plays song after song, some in-betweens in which I hear him just praising God in his own words.

He stuffs up the lyrics to No Higher Calling.

He tells me that God will make a way where there seems to be no way. But I have learnt that I can't hold on to that line from him for obvious reasons. And as I type this, my wounds reopen. My tears fall but I want to finish this.

At the end, he tells me I have 8 minutes of recording. He did this so that I can hear his voice even though I was far away, and I can fall asleep on nights he wasn't there.

God, I miss worshipping with this man.

I guess leading from a place of brokenness was God's intention.

Worshipping from the position I am in isn't easy. How do I praise God when I have so many questions, no proper closure, no foreseeable future?

But when making a decision to love Christ and follow Him, we already knew that the journey wouldn't be easy.

The Bible says that He uses the weak, the poor and I feel like that's what I am now.

Thank You Jesus for this God-given perseverance. For without it, I might not be alive.

Thank You for reminding me how years ago I made a commitement to worship You in the good and even in the bad. Whether I see You or not, I know You are always teaching, guiding, loving.

I wonder sometimes, why he couldn't be kind. Why he wouldn't believe in me, or us, and why he couldn't see that fights bring out the truth in us so that we know what we have to fight together.

So it's draining in the moment, but it wouldn't be if we recognised it and chose to face those things head on. It would have been a journey but a journey well taken.

Today, we break tradition. But it's really ok. I'm ok.

I thought I was over it. I thought I was moving on.

But it still hurts so terribly. I still don't understand.

But I trust that it's God.

It might not be any fault of any of us. And I should stop blaming him for leaving me. It could just be God using this one quarrel to bring us apart. According to His will. And I will trust in Him.

Today I am reminded that as long as I put God first, everything will fall in place.

Today I know, I know I am broken to be build up again.

So much for promising me that we can be friends. Doesn't feel like I'm treated like one.

I'm not wanting to get back with him, but I still want a proper discussion and answers. Even friends don't do this to friends.

Actually.

Our relationship would have worked if he wasn't so pessimistic, and if he allowed himself to accept other's people's advice and opinions once in a while. If he learnt how to give in, it would have worked out very well.

Oh well. It's all good.

He doesn't even treat me as a normal friend. I mean, I'm not asking him to get together with me. I don't want him. 

I just want him to understand how this looks to me and anyone else around. I just want honesty. And in that process, I just thought it'd be good for him to know how relationships should work, what should have been done. I mean, doesn't everyone want to know how to make the next relationship work, and work better?

It's my birthday, I'm supposed to be happy. But I was robbed. My tears won't stop. I just need justice.

I just need to be convinced that this is the best way forward, that there is no other better way, no way to salvage, no way to make things work. All I need is to be convinced, a proper full out discussion,  so that this can also be my decision. Then I can move on. Otherwise, I'll always feel like we could have made it work, if he was willing to just sit and talk about the difficult things.

Right now, it's just feelings of betrayal. Abandonment. Being given up on. Unworthiness. I never thought I was all those until 23rd November 2016.

Hits the hardest on these days, just when you thought you were over it.

Did a really last minute shoot. I was a girl who was dumped.

One scene had me bingeing on ice cream.

The sorrow was real.

The inability to eat was real.

I don't want to taste cold chocolate anymore.

Just realised I'm fully recovered finally. After more than a month of coughing.

Thank you Jesus!

His voice came up on my iTunes

Uniqlo reminds me of 7 v neck Ts. White black and grey.

I miss knowing that life would be basic, simple, non-extravagant.

Unless I find another Dave, I don't think I could have that anymore.

I think everyone deserves truth. No matter how hard it is to hear, it should be heard.

"I know we didn't talk about us, if you have any questions, feel free to ask."

Come on man, it isn't right. I know it was a gesture of goodwill. But it made me angry because it tells me I'm not giving you answers unless you ask for it.

But this shouldn't be begged for, shouldn't be withheld in the first place. It should be given gently, freely, in love, voluntarily. 

Is this why I can't move on? 

Did he forget why he liked me in the first place?

Or was it because he stopped loving me?

Was the noise from the world and the stones along the way, did they look too much like boulders? Even so, why is it he thought God couldn't move them?

Always wanted to be baptised in the new church, by the bubs for the significance.

Need to let go.

I dreamt of him again. But this time my tears didn't start after I woke up. I was already crying in it.

I dreamt that there was an earthquake and everyone had to get to the underground bomb shelter.
The bomb shelter was a massive theatre, kinda like a concert hall, but huge. I felt like I've dreamt of this place before.
We ran and ran and made it to the shelter.
After some time, some of us left to see what the situation was like.
Everything looked normal. No rubble or destruction. I remember seeing a huge swimming pool. Then the earthquake started again.
We ran, headed back to the shelter but I lost Dave.
I got back safe. The doors were shut.
I was distraught. I couldn't see Dave. Couldn't find him. Searched through the theatre but no him.
I panicked and the loss was sinking in.
Then the doors opened, and a group of people came in, all of them dressed in tuxedos.
I looked and waited, still no Dave. Grief creeped in slowly.
Until I saw him, one of the last to appear. He was also in a tuxedo.
I cried, laid down and put my arm over my eyes. I cried from relief, from knowing he was back, alive, safe and even better than before.

I dreamt of him. In my dream, he was taking a lesson with familiar faces in a classroom. I was watching from outside. He saw me and waved and gestured while being silent, his usual cheeky, naughty self.

Today I started my day missing him more than ever.

I still want to make it work. No matter the cost, it was always him, Perth, FCC. I miss him, I miss it all.

So many tubs of ice cream in the freezer, but every time I see it, I'm reminded of Dave, and I don't want to eat it anymore. I've lost my joy. Why is ice cream related to him though, I don't understand.

Missed him harder today.

I'd rather stay by him and be quiet than not be with him at all.

At least when we were together, I was happy. Even when we were fighting, I still loved him.

I don't think I've been well ever since we weren't together anymore. I thought I was recovered but I feel like a fever is coming.

What would make him change his mind?

What would it take to see that all I wanted was a simple life with him? I don't mind the struggle to get there. I just want to be with him.

Even after all this time, even though he has been so mean this half a year.

Meeting Swong in a bit. Not sure how to do this. Guess I just have to put up a strong front.

Not sure why I'm still hanging on. Why can't I just let go already.

Today was emotionally draining.

I didn't expect myself to freak out in school over tiny air bubbles in my left thumb's nail polish.

Couldn't breathe, couldn't concentrate, couldn't function. And it was only assembly.

Felt super alone too. Couldn't tell anyone, couldn't get any assurance or peace. I wasn't sure what else I could do. In that moment, I just needed anyone to tell me that it was ok, to rest in God. To point me back to perfect love.

Eventually I peeled off the top layer of nail.

Who would want a wreck like me. Who would be able to handle me. I can't even handle me.

Today sucks. I need to just lie down and cry to sleep.

Every Sunday morning on worship, I wear what he gave. More importantly, I remember how I grew in service and ministry.

The last time I had a good day, I came home wanting to tell him everything. Missed him so much I couldn't stop crying.

Today I had a pretty good day.

I don't want any more good days.

He took down these walls, but didn't like what he saw, and left.

I miss him so much. As much as I tell everyone and myself that I'm fine, my whole being misses him. It doesn't feel right without him.

Last night the parents decided to have banana splits, so I went out to buy the ingredients. Got 2 tubs of ice cream to join the 2 we have at home. Got bananas, strawberries, wafers, sliced almonds and chocolate sauce.

Mum made them and put them on the pretty plates I bought from Hong Kong.

Though they were flavours I like, I ate none of the ice cream. Just didn't like it anymore.

Ice cream has lost it's appeal.