yesterday. did some maths revision till 12. slept. today woke up at 7 30. did more maths till 9. 9 to 11, maths tuition. something is wrong with cheryl. she is doing too much work. haha.

after tuition, went to church to learn the dance since i missed last week. had covenant players in for drama.

went up the hill before tm, grabbed water and a packet of titbit for my cg then went back down, slacked a bit, i slept on liz's shoulder from like 2.30 to 3 haha!! t

hen tm, auntie nelly and some mien people came. they played games and sang songs with us, then we prayed for them. tmr they are going to come to church in their traditional costumes. i cant wait!!

hee..sermon about samson. disgusting man. so idiotic. haha. no la. after the sermon, shuks got everyone to go to the front and pray in our cg. i asked to Lord to touch me and He did. i wasnt really focusing a lot on the outline but yea. haha. i thought when we were singing the last song, i was like going to cry. but i didnt. so nevermind. then when amsie jie hugged me and prayed, i felt like my face was super hot, then i started to cry. woohoo!! haha.. whatever..

cg was fun. i loved it!!! hee.. and i am going to get a Bible soon! yay! i cant wait!! hee. after tm, went up the hill again. ok. something is definitely wrong with cheryl now. getting her to climb a flight of stairs is already to difficult. imagine getting her to climb a hill twice!! haha. die die..i got some light dinner.

dance was great man. aveline helped me a lot. she is really good man.. so pro. haha. i must be on par with her. and so must the rest of the dance people.. i felt very funny. cos, there were like a lot of older people in the previous dance, the 40 dop dance. now majority of the dancers are younger than me. haha.

a lot of people came in to watch. i think to enjoy aircon. haha. then ian was like doing the gay walk. haha. cos we were doing warm ups ( walk according to the beat and the same line, steps as the rest of the people.) so to onlookers it might be chicken feet. but to the walkers its actually quite hard. be the same distance, stride the same.. whatever.. but i really enjoyed myself la. dance is so nice!!! and i remember the steps!! i think...hee.
i was teaching kelvin the dance steps. and kelvin was teaching bryan the drum beats to the song. so cool.. the drums...ok yup. i want to sleep. tired man.. this weekend is going to be like cny. people coming to visit. blah blah.

really happy to be dancing. hee!

i am going to test something out. not saying what. haha. its a secret!! shhh..

anyway, mummy said i could bunk with huiru, angel and kris teo. haha. yay!! but at first she was really reluctant to let me. whatever la.

anyway, JOEL!! haha. now i can confirm i am going for camp!! haha. yaysie!! whatevr.. why am i typing all these anyway??

i am really happy. got back maths test today. i scored 14. highest was 15. surprisingly, the class did really bad. more than half the class failed and highest was only 15?!?! what happened to the full marks??

things have suddenly changed although my relationship with bryan has not really improved.

i get tired easily nowadays. after i STARTED studying harder.
i even ASKED my maths tuition teacher to come 2x this week.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??! cheryl hoe is mad. i think her brains are like burnt or something.

whatever. i am just back to normal. i think. oh yea. and i finished reading my book. heh.

its true. my brother treats me like shit. like a pile of crap.

its always me.

i clear the mess.
i lose.
he wins.
i cry.
he smiles.
i stay at home and study.
he goes out to play.
i am alone.
he has a million friends.
when i want to read a book, he snatches it away.
and he can get away with it.
the reason?
he is weaker in english, needs to read more.

why cant he take another book? after all, it has been on the shelves for so long.
i took it only a while ago to read. and i am halfway through..

he plays computer from afternoon to night.
but when i want to use it, he is 'doing his homework'.
then i cant do mine.
i get it from the teacher the next day.

i feel unwanted.
i feel small.
yes boss. yes bryan the big boss.
everything you say counts.
everything i say is not heard.

i have no respect as an elder sister.
what happened to the respect a younger sibling had for his older sibling?

when no one clears the mess, its always me to clear it. and i then is given the label 'loser'.

he acts all innocent.

i am the devil.

he is loved. i am not.

who am i? what am i?

why does he get the good stuff, i dont?
why does everyone seem happy and cheerful when i am crying?

why does he act like he is the good son when dad and mum are home?

he doesnt get 'talked' to when he goes out the whole day.
i always get scolded for not spending enough time at home doing my homework.

i have to clear the table. i have to mop the floor. i have to close the windows.
he can sit back and relax on the sofa.

they act as if nothing is happening when i cry. they go on with their lives.
no one ever asks me why i cry. no one cares enough to bother.

he demands to use my room to talk to his girlfriend. its my room. ITS MINE!

he just called me a lesbian. my blood boiled. but i had control, didnt curse, didnt swear..

i cry. i want to leave this horrible place. i hate my brother. he's not even my brother.

it seems as if all the bad stuff is happening to me. i might not be going on the australia trip, even though i was SELECTED OUT OF THE WHOLE COHORD OF SEC 2 AND 3. mum was like," do you think it is worth it?" or something to that effect. i was like...?!?! huh?! wad do you mean?

then i didnt say more, i just went back to bed to cry. then the second tsunami hit me. mum was like," i dun want you to bunk with angel and huiru. you either bunk with christina or amy tan, cos i dun know huiru."
hello, you dont know chrystal but i bunked with her, a few years ago!!! this is so senseless. i have been talkiong so much about huiru. what is this about not knowing her? must be because everyone was busy NOT listening to me.

rachel wants me to go with her to australia if not she wont go. i already feel so guilty. i dun know how much more guilt i would feel if i really cannot go. dragging rachel down and leaving angel and huiru by themselves.

me.me.me. all the troubles start with me. if there is no me, maybe everything would be better.

the australia trip was supposed to let me be away from my family, spend some time by myself, learn more from the australian schools, see forests and musicals, get to know my friends better, be more independant. if mrs jacob, hod of something, mother of rachel, ENCOURAGES rachel to go, then i think it should be good. right? since a teacher would more better??

i really wanted this chance to be away from my family. but now.. they are going to perth too, so i think this is the reason they most probably wouldnt let me go. but hello? will we be able to go study in australian universities? will i be able to go see musicals and visit some forests, chocolate factories..

now i dont go, maybe next time i would like migrate there and stay there for the rest of my life.haha.

bryan gets to go to shanghai, bryan gets to go for church camp. bryan gets to do things.

i dont get to go to shanghai with my school, i unlikely would be going to australia with my school although i really really would die to go..i most probably would not go for church camp...i cant do anything.

i am a stupid person, living a stupid life, almost everything is stupid. i hate myself.

syf is on monday and i need to get cornrows before tmr's rehearsals but no, mum doesnt want me to go get cornrows now. she doesnt even know what is a cornrow. i spent like an entire 5 minutes explaining. i can do it for you. hello. my mum doesnt even know how to french braid well. " i know you cheryl. you would not be able to sleep, your hair would be very messy after 3 days.." like my mum even know what is my favourite food.. ha ha.. my mum doesnt even know what is cornrow, how would she know if it gets messy??

i need a break, i want to not think about anything for 1 day, one measly day. only one day. and even that cannot happen.

i said already, i dont mind using all my money in the bank to pay for my australia trip expenses if i really need to. i dont understand what is the problem. they wont teach only social studies. this is a humanities trip, so it includes geography, which is highly important.

this is a long week. everyday i cry myself to sleep. but of course not one knows since no one even cares to even bother about me.

you know, all this stress and anger, can make me really rebel if i want to, since i have no place to vent it out.

nothing is going my way.

why cant things be my way? for all you know, maybe it would change me, to become a nicer, more pleasant person. maybe i would be able to study better and all..

every little thing makes me cry. if dying can take away all my sadness, all my anger, all my stress, all my worries, all my fears, all my bad feelings, then just let me curl up somewhere and die a painless death. anyway, it wont matter to anyone, afterall, i am invincible, nothing would be missing in your lives.

be nice to me. please?

super stress. tired.
syf. the adults are pushing us hard.
cannot say we get no help preparing the things needed.
but. watever.

we performed today for ld. so did om.
om was goood. nice. i like it.
my costume sucks. had to remove the designs, slowly peel off all the dried glue stuff. and its hard, cos its super glue.

a lot of problems.
i dont understand my maths. both maths.
i asked her to help me. like stay back an hour.
she did. but i still didnt understand.
when my friends asked her to explain something the next day, they told her that i also didnt really understand. and the teacher said," aiya, cheryl everything also dont understand lah."
what is this..

bryan 'needs' to use the comp. unfair. since he can use it anytime i am not home, which is like the whole afternoon, since i have to stay back in school almost daily.

cool it girl. stay 0 degrees celcius.

i need a break.
tuition tmr.
sentosa beach outing tmr.
guess which one i have to miss so that i can go for the other more important one.
there goes my break.
no prizes for the correct answer. but if you guessed i would be going for the beach outing, you are a loser man.

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there. haha. i dunno why i suddenly wanted to type nonsense. but i did it anyway. and i feel a tad better. haha.