God comes through and delivers.

He walks with me through pain and celebrates with me in joy.

He leads me through the valley of the shadow of death, and He makes me lie down in green pastures.

My heart has been through much pain,  but every day I choose to choose to be a bit happier. I haven't forgotten how he chose to leave me in heartbreak and give me up,because it seemed easier that way. Maybe a small part of me still stubbornly knows that things are actually fixable, difficult, though only if he wants. So now, it is not for me to take action.

I am not angry. I choose to find happiness around me. I keep walking. One day I will change my words, and say that I had been broken for something even better.

So hard not having help preparing worship.

So even though I have the order and what I want in my head, I can't express it in a way they'd understand. If only I knew how to look at and speak in chords.

My team thinks we're winging it. Breaks my heart.

Last September my in-ears broke. Took a while for me to send it in for repairs. Had to make new impressions, and got new moulds done.

Just got my repaired in-ears back, and they fit even better than before.

Kinda like my love life?

Perhaps I've finally done it. Perhaps God's giving me another godly man who wants me. Let'a not jinx it now.

Don't sweep it under the carpet and think that time will heal the wounds.

Time heals clean wounds but soiled wounds fester and infect. - Mark McMinn

Maybe I need to forgive. Even if there is no apology, but all the wrong I feel, I want to throw away. I want to fogrive as He did.

Forgiveness isn't understanding, it's getting up and doing it.

5 months short of 5 years.

5 months since.

If he wanted me back, he would have said something. Anything. Showed me a sign.

It's time to move on I think.

Would have been 5 years tomorrow.

I met Timmy and as I was sharing about how I've moved on, I realised that I really am still grieving over what was lost. Because I have no answers and I cannot understand. As much as I tell people that I've given it to God and have asked for peace whether or not I have closure, my tears were involuntary. I tried my best not to cry already.

I really don't want to trouble him anymore to give me something I need to move on. What more, I'm sure he's already at peace with the decision he made. It was, after all, a decision he made. So why initiate, why bring him back to a place he hates? I tell myself, if I love him, I'll let him be happy and free as he should be now. If he's not completely happy, he'll turn to God anyways, he doesn't need me.

Half a decade ago over Easter weekend, the most amazing thing happened.

As it gets dangerously close to Easter, I find myself thinking about it more and it still hurts after 5 months. I still wish I could celebrate every Easter in Perth. I thought this year's would be the last one away from FCC.