His voice comes up as I let iTunes run on it's own.

I hear his fingers across the piano, I can see his sillouette  as I sit on his left, and the light comes in from the backyard door.

He plays song after song, some in-betweens in which I hear him just praising God in his own words.

He stuffs up the lyrics to No Higher Calling.

He tells me that God will make a way where there seems to be no way. But I have learnt that I can't hold on to that line from him for obvious reasons. And as I type this, my wounds reopen. My tears fall but I want to finish this.

At the end, he tells me I have 8 minutes of recording. He did this so that I can hear his voice even though I was far away, and I can fall asleep on nights he wasn't there.

God, I miss worshipping with this man.

I guess leading from a place of brokenness was God's intention.

Worshipping from the position I am in isn't easy. How do I praise God when I have so many questions, no proper closure, no foreseeable future?

But when making a decision to love Christ and follow Him, we already knew that the journey wouldn't be easy.

The Bible says that He uses the weak, the poor and I feel like that's what I am now.

Thank You Jesus for this God-given perseverance. For without it, I might not be alive.

Thank You for reminding me how years ago I made a commitement to worship You in the good and even in the bad. Whether I see You or not, I know You are always teaching, guiding, loving.

I wonder sometimes, why he couldn't be kind. Why he wouldn't believe in me, or us, and why he couldn't see that fights bring out the truth in us so that we know what we have to fight together.

So it's draining in the moment, but it wouldn't be if we recognised it and chose to face those things head on. It would have been a journey but a journey well taken.

Today, we break tradition. But it's really ok. I'm ok.

I thought I was over it. I thought I was moving on.

But it still hurts so terribly. I still don't understand.

But I trust that it's God.

It might not be any fault of any of us. And I should stop blaming him for leaving me. It could just be God using this one quarrel to bring us apart. According to His will. And I will trust in Him.

Today I am reminded that as long as I put God first, everything will fall in place.

Today I know, I know I am broken to be build up again.

So much for promising me that we can be friends. Doesn't feel like I'm treated like one.

I'm not wanting to get back with him, but I still want a proper discussion and answers. Even friends don't do this to friends.

Actually.

Our relationship would have worked if he wasn't so pessimistic, and if he allowed himself to accept other's people's advice and opinions once in a while. If he learnt how to give in, it would have worked out very well.

Oh well. It's all good.

He doesn't even treat me as a normal friend. I mean, I'm not asking him to get together with me. I don't want him. 

I just want him to understand how this looks to me and anyone else around. I just want honesty. And in that process, I just thought it'd be good for him to know how relationships should work, what should have been done. I mean, doesn't everyone want to know how to make the next relationship work, and work better?

It's my birthday, I'm supposed to be happy. But I was robbed. My tears won't stop. I just need justice.

I just need to be convinced that this is the best way forward, that there is no other better way, no way to salvage, no way to make things work. All I need is to be convinced, a proper full out discussion,  so that this can also be my decision. Then I can move on. Otherwise, I'll always feel like we could have made it work, if he was willing to just sit and talk about the difficult things.

Right now, it's just feelings of betrayal. Abandonment. Being given up on. Unworthiness. I never thought I was all those until 23rd November 2016.

Hits the hardest on these days, just when you thought you were over it.