What I would have to keep in my heart forever

Happy birthday bubbie.

I love you and miss you.

I want to grow old with you.

Don't want other guys, only want one guy, but he does't want me.

This feeling in my chest. It's not pain as I thought it would be.

If I can describe it, it would be a gaping empty space in the middle of my chest. And every time I breathe I'm made aware of this hole.

Dinner was good and I didn't think I'd have fun but I actually enjoyed myself a lot. I thought it'd be damn awkward throughout but surprisingly we just caught up like two old friends who just saw each other last week.

We talked about everything but didn't have time to talk about anything.

2.5 hours passed just like that. But at the end when I turned around I still couldn't stop my tears from falling. I don't understand why though.

Perhaps it's my heart is just still grieving a loss. I don't know.

Is this enough for me to get closure and move on? I don't know. Perhaps if we actually talked about the hard stuff, maybe. Too bad no time.

It's Christmas service and I forgot that PB would be here.

I thought it'll be a great service and it is.

But I didn't think I wouldn't be able to control the tears that are falling on my face.

It's ok. I've got my korean dramas.

The hardest question to answer this month

Where's Dave?

My response: he's in Perth, he has to work. 

Technically true.

I know You love me
I know You found me
I know You saved me
And Your grace will never fail me
And while I’m waiting
I’m not waiting
I know heaven lives in me

I’ll sing holy holy
My heart cries holy
As it is in heaven
It is in me

We’ll sing holy holy
The earth cries holy
As it is in heaven
So let it be

Just wondering if it was a decision he made, or did he hear from God?

Because I have peace, I'm not grieving anymore. But for some strange reason even though the world says "you can definitely find another man", something inside me says to hold on.

It really puzzles me why we didn't just talk about it, but both of us just let things deteriorate. If I knew, I wouldn't have given him so much "space". I would have just texted him every day right from Hillsongs.

In the corner of my desktop, there is a word document.

I opened it today and saw all the possible places we were going to explore for our wedding, and how many people each location could accommodate.

All the possible cringeworthy hashtags we could use.

Still in disbelief, not sure what happened. I still want to marry him, live with him, support him quietly, be the domestic goddess he wants me to be, and more.

Does this mean he doesn't love me and accept me for who I am?

I left the document in the corner.

If it's Your will Lord, make him miss me, every day. Help him realise that giving up is easy but fighting is more rewarding in the end.

If it's not Your will Lord, help me forget him. Take away this unclosed circle, fill my heart with joy overflowing, let me not shed tears anymore.

Today I met someone who has the same birthday as Dave.

I should be moving on and giving up. But for some reason I can't let go. I keep thinking he will be my Lazarus. Not only did he rise from the dead, but the more miraculous fact is that he rose only by Jesus, on the fourth day, only after all possibility of living again passed on the third day.

Falling sick. Haven't gymmed or ran in only a week and I've lost 1kg.

Dreamt that he said he changed his mind, and wants to get back together again, go for counselling, wants me by his side.

Woke up happy. It's not my birthday though. Nonetheless, a good dream a day might just be enough to fill my happy tank for the day. It's been running on low for a while now.

Saw his face on Facebook. Preaching. Something gripped my heart.

It is grief. I know with strange understanding that without him, I'd never be able to do what I thought I was called to.

I've lost my bearings. Do I find new ones, or hold on to the compass in hopes the path will find me again?

Again another massive dream. This time, about a wedding. I was Cinderella, but I wasn't the bride.

I can't sleep. But when I do, every night is a nightmare. Someone dies, someone leaves, I get molested, humiliated. I end up crying my heart out in my dreams and wake up so tired. I don't want to sleep anymore. 

I'm sitting around a round table in Thailand with my closest friends. My cell with whom I grew up with since 13.

What crosses my mind is this question: If I had to, would I give up Singapore and these people whom I love, for him?

It would definitely be difficult but I still would say yes. That's what I've been preparing myself to do mid year next year anyways.

Breathe Cheryl and hold back your tears. Smile and talk so nobody knows.

Said someone to her ex, heard yesterday:

"Don't pitch it like it's meant to benefit me. Tell me honestly and truthfully, that's what girls want."

Knocked me off my thoughts and I wondered if visa was the only reason he broke up with me, or is there something about myself that I should know?

Things about Hong Kong I'll remember:

1. Dave telling me to be safe on his own accord.

2. Being absolutely knackered from the red eye flight.

3. Nathan Road Congee's good service and century egg porridge.

4. Sleeping in the public park until 12pm when our Airbnb was ready.

5. Hiking up Dragon's back mountain, stopping every 5 mins for pictures, but reaching the top faster than expected.

6. Yat Lok. The BEST roast goose and char siew ever.

7. Tai Cheong Egg Tarts had no queue. Eating it warm right outside the shop.

8. Lan Kuai Fung Carnival at night.

9. Seeing Karen Mok in real life.

10. Free shots from whom we thought was the owner. Turned out to be the bass player of the live band in the pub we were at. 

11. Firmly telling off this dude trying to grind my friends. 

12. Same Londoner dude who tried to put his beer on our tab.

13. Meeting the nice Canadians who's next stop was Singapore. 

14. Dim Dimsum. So shiok! 

Thinking about Perth life every day.

Telling myself that if he loves me he'll want the best for me. And that he'll know that Perth is where I belong. He's the best for me.

But if he doesn't love me then it's ok. I'll just quietly love him from here every day.

I wonder ever since Joe went back to Perth, if he's seen my letters.

Then I wonder, how come he wants to give up when Love keeps us together?

Is it because when I chose to give him space, there were other girls around, girls who were more virtuous, gentle and didn't pick a fight?

Did he dream of another scenario?

Did he simply stopped loving me after being angry with me?

Does he still love me? Why isn't he telling me let's talk about this again?

I've been so faithful for so long, it's just been him all these years every day.

I can't see myself without him.

How do I let go of a man I dreamt of living with for the rest of my life?

I saw myself waiting for him at home, with chinese dishes and soup, and the kids playing on the floor.

They'd be screaming and running to the door when he walks in, then he'll tell them they're noisy, but carry them anyways.

I'll heat up the food and we'll all eat.

There'll be a mess.

Years from that, the kids will be off to school, we'll get Mondays off to do the groceries and everything else, we'll quarrel over which brand of shower gel to buy, and whether we have eggs in the fridge. I'll be mildly irritated, but he carries almost everything and I'd take the lighter bags. Then we'll go home and just put on a movie, or sleep, or doing individual things like him working on the sermon while I watch videos in the kitchen and put out the stuff needed for the day's dinner, until it's time to pick them up.

He'll be scolding them for misbehaviours once in a while, and I'll be nagging him to bring out the trash bin for garbage day.

We'd fight sometimes over silly things, but I saw a different Cheryl and Dave. Cheryl would be motherly and kinda like Auntie Cecelia. Behind her husband but doing great things, supporting him in every way. With her friends she's loud and chatty. With Dave, she'd be goofy and girly, sometimes acting tough but still melting when he says what he wants and needs and sees. Dave would be funny when guest are over, but more quiet when nobody is around. Some people might still think he's icey and proud, but he does everything so well if needed. For less important things, he spends very little time on it. He's efficient.

I see so many more things. How do I achieve them?

I tell everyone that I'm ok.

But I still miss him and love him every day. 

Every time I think I'll screw up worship, God shows me how He uses the weak. Easily one of the most relaxed sets I've led recently.

Today, I went to an ice cream parlour and didn't get anything.

Today, I heard Jason Mraz on the radio and I thought every word in his song was relevant. Then I heard our song and I heard the words for the first time. 

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up.

I know it's hard
Time's not on our side
Don't ever give up
Patience is what you said to me

Tell me why.

Forgot house keys, realised only when I got home from the city. Cherrrrrryl. Whyyyy.

Don't think I'll ever find someone more goose than I am haha. Thank God the florist hasn't delivered tomorrow's flowers otherwise they'll suffer and wilt.

Oh well, parents are off to Ipoh, luckily Bryan's at work. Back to the city I go. Lol.

It was a tiring lesson to learn. I'll definitely try to remember my keys. I usually do, just a lapse this time. In the same way, Dave and I made a mistake. We both did, but we should learn from it and remember next time. There's always second chances. I won't get kicked out forever if I forgot my keys. I hope he sees it too, and give us a chance to learn and work together.

Soften his heart towards me I pray, Father, may he love me like always, think of me like always, and remember the good times.

Soften his heart towards me I pray, Father, may he see potential and good in me, may he see the potential we have in giving more than taking, may he see how greatly we can be used in our community and family.

Soften his heart towards me I pray, Father, that he would favour me, desire me, love me, just as much as I have been towards him. That he would reach out to me again, just as he did at first. If it is Your will, send people around him to fight for me, to suggest a restart, to learn to love each other every day as if we were at day 1 again.

Soften his heart towards people I pray, Father, that he would be able to see their joys and their pains, that he would be able to see past the problems and know the root. That he would be able to encourage and uplift, advise and share wisdom from experience. Father, help him love people like how You love your children. Give him patience and kindness overflowing. Help him to minister and pastor not because it's his job but because he loves them sincerely.

Soften their hearts towards him I pray, Father, that he would find favour and trust. Let them see God in what he does, let them see him as a model and yet a relatable friend. Give them love for him and respect for him, to see him as a leader not just because he was placed there, not out of fear, but out of respect and admiration.

Father I pray for healing upon him as he is hit by another bout of sickness. Renew his health and give him new strength as You put Your healing hands on him. Refresh him and give him a new spirit. I pray that as he wakes up tomorrow he will find joy and Your new mercies.

Every day I pray that God will give him love for me again, trust in me one more time, patience to talk to me.

I feel like we've never actually really sat down together to talk about how we should and want to communicate. we've talked briefly in the past when we had conflicts, I remember him saying that I should never give him the cold shoulder and he should open up more and share about his day and his troubles. I remember never ever again ignoring his messages. I wish we could sit down again this time to talk again, so that I know what I can do, I know I can do it, after all, I did stop giving him cold shoulders. I can learn.

Dear God, give me a second chance please. Let me show him how much I've grown to love him even in difficult times, how much I want to stand by him in both good days and lousy days. Let me show him how I can be who you want me to be for him. Help us still find that spark in our hearts for each other, that desire to build and grow together in You, the forgiveness that can only come from You, the boldness to let go of our pride against each other. I love him Lord, and You placed this love in my heart. Help me love him like You love the church, help me love him like Hosea. Lord, You've put us together.

Lord in everything, may my desire align with Yours, I love You more. I know that all I do is Your plan, let me keep living in Your grave and mercy every day.