its amazing what God has done in my life and its only after calamities that i see the whole plan to build me up.

i thank God that even though my clique and i had such a long 'heated' discussion, we managed to clear up most of the air between us and knock down that wall.

i was so upset that no one dared to tell me anything before and that i had to stand alone. but nevertheless, i'm willing to put all the differences aside and start again. tmr, i'm gonna walk into class with a smile and hopefully i wont feel too wierd.

i was quite upset that all this while i have actually been seeing my clique talking about me behind my back and stuff.

so then today when i saw that again, i told them that they were being unfair. the blame game then began. but soon after everything was over. and i gave michelle my position as my class' miss cambridge representative after 'winning' yesterday. anyway michelle wants it and apparently my class was 'forced' into voting for me since they 'saw' that i 'wanted' it.

i told my clique that that was totally rubbish. i told them that i actually thought of of it the day before.

but, in fact i had no intention to be miss cambridge in the very first place. i know that i would definitely be very busy with the committee but i just wanted to see who the class prefered better. in the end, joanne told me that the class could 'see' that i 'wanted' to be miss cambridge very much and by my actions, was actually 'forcing' them to vote for me.

i thought that was rubbish. if you have someone you want to vote for, you wouldnt vote for another totally different person since you saw that different person 'wanted it very much'.
then joanne said that since the class didnt know who to vote for and i appeared to 'want' it a lot, they voted for me. absolute rubbish. it doesnt even make enough sense, since the class was not voting for the first time and all.

also, i was upset that they actually put words into my mouth by saying i complained about stuff like being too stressed. i know that i have been feeling stressed before but i had
NEVER said it out loud to another person, since there was no one i can actually tell in school. makes sense? duh.

they said that i should have opened up but hey, only when i opened up did they say everything they thought..

in the end i had no time to really explain myself but it doesnt really matter. even if i was still wrong in their eyes, i dont really care anymore.

all i can ask is, what caused this change in me in the first place?

what happened that made me distance myself from them?

have they ever wondered that i changed so much maybe because of their actions?

apparently not.

i admit that i am partly to be blamed but i also want them to really understand my point of view.

---------------

i missed chem cos i was feeling breathless and faint.

them after chem i went back to the hall. i thought everything was fine already. like everything cleared and all.

then joanne came to sit with me. and i thought ," how nice, you know, after we have a discussion, to come and comfort me and all that. thats what real friends do."

then she said all the get back together stuff i thought could make me cry. but after that she ended with," so sometimes you must understand that....blah blah...ok?" and it became my fault again. she got the last word.

roargh.

nevermind.

oh then during the second break i had breathing difficulties again. zoey came to ask me if i were ok and i said yes. so after that no one came up to me again.

- whats over is over and hopefully we can all start anew. i hope that there would not be any more whispering. i think its very unfair toward me. want to talk about me, say it to my face. get both sides of the story before anything is said.