back from australia.

got some pretty nice stuff. could have gotten more. but too bad, mum and dad said we overspent by a lot already. so there...

was very upset over the fact that mum and i were searching for sweaters for mob, then when we found them, she and dad decided not to buy them, that was rather crap, and they gave many rather stupid reasons and excuses. but now, i dont care. really.

today, went to church for mob meeting at 2, then got a call from christabel. turns out i have ld comittee meeting at 2.30. brilliance. pure brilliance. i felt so guilty missing the first ever com meeting discussing CCA FAIR and i was supposed to take minutes since i am the secretary. oh well done.

missing all the rest of the dramas this year. crap la. i want to do something!

if only, there was no australia trip, or many we could have gone for a shorter time, or go later.
oh well, at least i got stuff in return.

i want to go to china next year!

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mob meeting, found out we had to do a lot of stuff by a very near dateline.
had quite a lot of fun doing everything. lalala. not telling more. whoopdedo.

what in the world is happening to me?

now i hate my parent??

now i think they dont love me?

is this the work of the devil?

now my parents arent willing to buy stuff for me. in the past, even things i dont need that much they would get it. now, they are only willing to get the cheapest stuff for me. not willing to spend more than 20 plus for my 2 pairs of shorts.

what is wrong with getting two pairs of shorts for me?

only a few more dollars. not as if i am going to wear it for once. good material can last for long. but not good material can last for less than a year.

a pair of not so good shorts = $ 20

wash for some time, worn out. use for home wear. time taken - 4 months.

a pair of good shorts = $ 40

wash for sometime. i like to wear, so wash for more times. not worn out since its good material.
time taken - more than 2 years.

isnt it more worth it?

i tell you the truth. i already on the verge. please dont make me do stuff you will regret. just for the 2 pairs of shorts.

never ever threaten me with my freedom. never. you would wish you didnt. you never know what will happen. dont force me.

i want too many things. am i not fir to be a christian?

i want to go to heaven, i want faith, i want a blessed life, i want to live well.

i want to lead, i want to stand out, i want this, i want that.

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all these is too much. ene is right. eternal happiness overshadows temorary happiness.
eternal happiness is much better than temporary happiness.

so it doesnt matter i live like a pig, like a beggar now.

it doesnt matter if i look like a child from low income family, it doent matter if i dress in old, clothes worn a thousand times. it doesnt matter if i am dirty.

all it matters is i go to heaven.

i want to believe this.

but its so difficult. so so difficult.

whatever the outcome, thanks ene, for tagging.

for now, just let me finish crying. let me finish punishing myself. then, let me live in misery. so that i can go to heaven.

already said i need to get two pairs of sports shorts. for my own use.
be it camps or daily life, i still need it. so i try to get it as comfortable as possible, and as nice as possible.

but why. why do they have to make life so difficult?

i looked at other brands and other shorts but they are not as nice. i saw adidas and nike. i saw that they were nice, and comfortable. so i ask for it.
i like the material, i like the design. others i have seen. but i hate them. so why force me to wear those i hate?

i feel good if i look good. i feel good then i will perform better.
give me cheapo shorts, i feel lousy, obviously i wont do as well.

ok, lets say i go for the tick and the three stripes. but so what? its only what.. a few more pieces of paper.

why is it so expensive? its good, thats why its expensive. if it is not good, do you think it will be so expensive?

have you ever thought i might not go for the brand? even if its fila, i dont want, cos i dont feel comfortable in them.

forget it. whatever i say, you wont buy them for me. life is like that isnt it?

exams are over, the results are out, scold me for my results. fine, they are all over. now its the holidays. why still make me cry?

i dont understand. i really dont understand.. if only they were younger, then they will understand. the pressure on me when i see the rest of them, all doing better than me, all wearing better then me. but i, forget it.

why threaten me by saying you wont allow me to go for other camps if it is so difficult? why?
why threaten me in the first place? is that you way of doing things?

ok, i might be going to camp to suffer, so i try to make it as comfortable as possible when i am suffering. why make it worse? why make me feel worse?

you, might have been from npcc. but not me. i cannot be as rugged as you. i cant wear the same thing twice without washing. i am clean. thats me. you like to wear the same pair of shorts for two days of exercise without washing, thats you. i am not you.

why am i writing all these anyway? not as if you care enough to read. even though i might have given you my address. yea. you are busy. you are always busy.

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why do i want those two pairs of shorts? why cant you just get them for me?
why make life so difficult? is it so hard to pay some money and make you daughter a bit happy?
i wish i had more time, then i can go out to work by myself, earn myself more money and get what i need.

God? is this part of the period of time in life where things get really down, to grow my faith, to grow my perserverance, to grow my character?

i thought you said something like you would give me enough to handle? isnt this a bit too much for me?

i asked for a stress ball like more than a month ago. but even this small thing, you cant get it for me.. must i wait for christmas for everything? must i wait till my birthday for stuff?

can someone reading this who cares enough for me please please get me the stress ball?
also, more boxes of tissue, and a shoulder for me to lean on?

sometimes i wish i could get a boyfriend too.. i see so many other people having boyfriends who care for them, who accompany them. i see them all happy. yea, sometimes i see them sad, but the happiness is so intense.


i see other people, getting brilliant stuff without trying. because the people around them do.
i look in the mirror, i see a loser. i see a nobody who wants to be somebody, i see someone who trys hard to get stuff, but fail miserably. i see tear stained cheeks, i see red eyes. i see someone fat and ugly.

maybe my punishment isnt harsh enough. i only went down by a kilo. that not enough. now, i cannot aim 40 kg. now i aim 39 kg. ohoh. so sorry cheryl. another 2 more kg to go. start slacking and you will have 3 more kgs to go. relax more and you will have 4 more kgs to go.

you cannot relax cheryl! no more sweets, no more chocolates, no more sweet drinks.

only water, more veg, less meat as possible, no snacks, no biscuits, no titbits. until the day you reach 39 kg.