went to church. sat with liz. yes! finally sat with some one else. not my parents. haha. pastor william talked about trials. man. i am going through one big one.

after church, went to serangoon to take ic photos. mum said earlier we could go to suntec or something to take. but no. dad said there was a shop in serangoon. so we went to take pictures there.

the room where i took the photos was really shabby. and guess wad i sat on. no. not a chair. but boxes. yes. boxes. how pathetic can it get? the white screen behind was not even properly put. it was crupled and everything. almost gray.

the photos were super ugly. super super ugly. i look very very fat. i need to lose weight desperately. i need to go on a diet. why can't i retake? no. its a waste of money. hello? this picture is going to stay with me for another 15 years. i don't want to go around with a pig in my card. if i can't be confident about my looks, how can i be confident at all?
not as if i can throw it away after 1 day. this money is spendable. i dun even like the picture a bit. why must i tie my hair in this way? why must i do as you say? i hate it. its my card. why can't i choose my own picture. something that is nice. something that doesn't make me look like a pig. something that i think is nice.

i have been prevented from doing things the way i want to. i have been prevented from going to places i want to. where is my freedom??
seriously?

i realised yesterday that i have a severly deprived childhood. on the way to the airport. a few people saw my print book.
"why so little pictures?" they ask.
"oh. i first went out without my parents and first took prints was only last year after the exam." i answered
"huh? oh my..you are deprived. haha." some said.

" thats all the movies you have watched??" they ask.
"yea. haha. i seldom get the chance to go out. my mum doesnt really allow."
"oh dear. one day i will bring you out for a movie ok? haha." adele said.
i will be waiting for that day.

"hey. which bus are we taking? " "which platform?" i asked a few times.
"bus 28. it goes to paya lebar mrt station. thats where we are stopping"
"this platform. but we have to wait for a special train."
"special train? oh ok. hmm.."

" where is this place?"i asked.
" this is expo my dear girl. hello? have you ever been in singapore before?" chrystal asked.
"er. haha. i dun go out often."

" er.. can you help me order the char kway teow?" i asked. liz helped.
" all you have to do is tell the uncle or auntie in english or chinese what you want. they will understand." josia said.
" yea. but there is all the chilli and cockles stuff. i dunno what to say. haha. i can't even remember the last time i bought char kway teow." i replied.
" haha. is this your first time in here?" he asked.
"er. yes. this place. but i have been to hawker centres before. but i think quite seldom. if i eat hawker centre food, most probably it will be packed and then i eat at home. haha." thats me.
"......" he replied.

" why are you wearing this?" one girl asked.
" haha. oh. my mum wanted me to wear this."

" can you go out toady? watch a movie or something?"
" oh. er. cannot. my mum don't allow".

" want to go for dinner?"
"where?" thats me.
" singapore post centre or something. very near right."
"yea. but my mum doesn't allow. haha. mmm. she said heartland mall can. not over there. too far."
" huh. oh. ok. next time la."

"want to go for dinner?"
"where?" thats me.
" singapore post centre or something. very near right?"
"yea. but my mum said cannot. go home for dinner. school is reopening soon."
" school is not going to reopen tomorrow you know my dear girl."
" heheh. er .yea. you tell my mum la. haha."

" are you free later? go to my church. very nice." someone asked.
" cannot. haha. my mum doesn't allow."

i feel as if i am not living my life. its my mum. fine. take my life. live it. just let me die. i so want to die now.

the photos. dad said no matter how many pictures i take. i will still look ugly. yea. that was my dad. ok. fine. now think where i got my looks from and tell me i am ugly again.
go on. take away my freedom. oh wait. actually i dun really bother. cos, what freedom do i have in the first place? haha. yes i do have a bit of freedom, but how much. so little it is almost nothing.

i have been like a volcano for so long. so much pressure has built up. now, i want to explode and kill everyone.