God sent me an angel.

She doesn't usually speak. She writes in a little notebook when she wants to tell me something. Sometimes I don't really understand what she's trying to say. Because she gets her spelling of words wrong.

Yesterday, she told me she was happy to be in my school and that she found her talent. She's told me this at least 5 times. She's been in the guitar club for a year now. And she says she can play very well. Every time, I'd tell her I'm happy for her. I never really believed her. How can someone with very little hand eye coordination, who is awkward, who doesn't speak and has difficulty with social communication, be good at an instrument she never play in her life until a year ago for CCA?

Yesterday, I asked her, why don't you play me a song? She wrote down slowly that she didn't have her guitar, it was in the class. She is only allowed to play it after school. That's ok, if I'm still in my room, come and play a song for me after school.

I wasn't expecting it. Only when she knocked on my door did I remember that I had extended the invitation to her.

So she took out her guitar, and asked me to sit next to her. She wrote that I should see which F chord I didn't know how to play. I told her this weeks ago. She showed me some finger positions, but I told her, I didn't know any of them.

She started playing a song for me. Nervously at first. But then she played another. And another. And another. All without lyrics, just repeated chords. Some strumming, some plucking. All unknown songs, because so many songs have the same chord progression right?

Then she looked at me in-between a song, and she started to play a familiar tune.

In my heart, the words came to life.

Bless the Lord, O my soul. O my soul. Worship His Holy name. Sing like never before, O my soul. I'll worship Your Holy name.

At that moment, I knew she was a God-send. My angel. This girl, so small, used by God, in such a mighty way.

She doesn't speak, but at that moment, she sang through her music, about a wonderful God who never forgets His children. About a God who provides, in the most unexpected ways.

Was not expecting to cry so much in Beauty and The Beast. But the love they shared was something I really wished I had. I thought I had. And so I cried because I was glad that movies like these still give me  something to dream about.

Beast let her go but never stopped loving her.

For some reason I'm thinking about him a lot now today. When he said " I don't think this would work out" keeps replaying in my mind. I keep seeing myself turn to the left so my tears fall out of the view on the computer.

I keep thinking that I should have said "No, we haven't even tried to talk about it yet, we should give it a chance, we've come so far."

I keep reliving the moment when we were eating at Maccas at the airport and he moved to sit next to me and "Don't worry, I'm working on it. I promise I'll propose soon."

Chris Martin sang

All I know, is that I love you so. So much it hurts.

Had half a scoop of Baskin Robbins yesterday. I think I did well. Haven't had it since Perth. It tastes exactly the same.

Watched the video Ps Benny posted on the new church building. Part of my heart ached from knowing I can't be part of this.

Talking to other guys about who I am just reminds me about how he knows me so well he would pray for me when he knows I'm restless from too many small things clustered together. It's tiring.

Today someone asked me about my other half in Perth.

He was apologetic when I said we weren't together anymore.

But I'm ok, I could talk about how it's been 5 months and how time past really quick.

Baby steps. Don't want to jinx it.

4 days in Brunei got my mind off entirely. Absolutely no time for anything else other than taking care of my 30 girls and bringing them back to Singapore safe.

Thank You God for giving me such an eye opening experience. Seeing villagers in the water village be happy with dilapidated houses made of ply wood and zinc sheets that have holes in the floor, yet are happy and grateful with a simple fresh coat of paint on their walls, really gave me appreciation for what I have. Made painting the walls and doing the minor repair works in stuffy humid conditions bearable.

Didn't have proper internet so I'm now desperately preparing for tonight's practice. This week's message is going to be by Rev Paul from Toronto. I'm excited to hear what God would say through him.

Thank You Jesus. For such a busy week. For a thought provoking play last night, and boating later: all good enough (hopefully) to take my mind off not being able to be in Perth today.

What are words if you really
Don't mean them when you say them
What are words if they're only
For good times then that's all
When it's love yeah you say them
Out loud these words
They never go away
They live on
Even when we're gone

Heard this song and it stung. Yeah it still hurts after these months although I've tried so hard to forget and move on.

This I'll promise, and have kept so far, that I'll never give up on my partner. 

In the good times or bad times, I know it's all possible to work it out. It's just a matter of wanting to or not. Nothing is impossible with God. 

I'll always be steadfast to him, even though I wasn't loved the same way. 

Praise and honour unto Thee.

I see Ian and hear Ian but my heart does not hurt.

One day I hope I can say the same for Dave.

I think he never wants to remember me ever again.