So we've been at war. For almost 3 months. Feels like a year.
It started when I proposed because I was tired of waiting. Dave got mad because he felt it was his job to. He rejected me seriously by the way. And then I got mad. Why can't he say "Yes, I love you and want to marry you but proposing is my job so this proposal isn't valid. Wait for me, I'll do it."
Instead, he got really pissed off and we started the war. I was angry that he was angry. And for rejecting me. A rejection is a rejection no matter what. I was so hurt, and so cut, but he didn't understand the power of his rejection. You can't take a rejection back, can you?
We eventually reconciled when I went to Perth for a wedding and when he came over for another wedding. And then we talked about marriage and we both compromised on 30th September 2017 as a reasonable date for our wedding.
The plan was to have the ceremony in Perth and the reception in Singapore. In Singapore standards, 1.5 years isn't quite enough to secure wedding venues. But I was willing to try anyways. So I started on looking up locations and possible venues for the reception in Singapore.
After looking and enquiring to various places, I proposed to Dave the best location I could find, one that I've really liked since I first went for dinner there.
He said no. We talked about how it wasn't fair that his parents' friends couldn't come. I said they were more than welcome. He said they had to fly over. I said similarly, my friends would miss our wedding ceremony. He said it's different. Eventually we agreed that the most fair thing to do was to have 2 wedding ceremonies, and 2 informal receptions. That was actually my very first desire.
The next day, we came back and I told him my parents' were ok with the idea. The only thing was, my dad wanted to host a dinner for his relatives. He felt that our relatives had blessed us so greatly that an informal reception would not reflect our gratitude towards them. I agreed. Dad said that all Dave had to do was turn up. Dad would pay for dinner. I argued that he should take all the angbaos. He said that he'll only take what the cost was. Fair enough. I just didn't want poor dad to pay out of his pocket when it's my wedding.
Told Dave this, and he said he didn't want 2 ceremonies as it would feel like an act the 2nd time around. I said that we could do it different. Still have a march in, still have worship, but screen the promises and vows, then have communion, have lighting of unity candles, then have thank you speeches.
Dave said to just do a massive typical chinese banquet. What we both didn't want in the first place.
His rationale: get it done and over with as quickly as possible.
My question is: even if weddings were tiring for the couple, it should not be something you try to escape. It's only a day in your life that everyone wants to bless you, as you recognise their significance and involvement in your lives. Why be so resistant? It can be refreshing as long as your attitude changes.
The fight didn't end and in July, he ignored me for more than a month. Not a peep from him. In the month, I met people, who journeyed with me as I tried to rationalise and keep my emotions in the healthy range.
Afterward, he came back and apologised for being selfish. But by then, I was hell pissed. He sabotaged the relationship, and then blamed me indirectly, saying that he was scared of me blowing up. I said I wasn't ready to FaceTime him, but he could text me casually, just to rebuild the relationship and communication. I felt that if we talked over FaceTime, I would escalate very quickly as I couldn't comprehend how he could be so selfish to withhold affection for more than a month. To me, it was as though our relationship and communication had to be up to him. Don't feel like talking then don't talk. Feel like talking then expect everything to be absolutely normal.
He was reluctant but eventually gave in. However, every day from then, our conversations were half-hearted.
"What are you doing?"
"How's work?"
"How's school?"
"What are you reading?"
"What are you watching?"
And after my reply, he would disappear for the rest of the day, as if it was a chore he just had to complete every day. This made me puzzled and very hurt. It seemed like he lost his love and desire to chase me anymore. He seemed tired and uninterested. Wasn't every day meant to be a chase?
I decided that it was time to talk. I wanted to use Korea to get away and to think. So having the intense conversation before would be good. But he said he was sick, and he was tired.
And then I took the solo trip to Korea. I booked it for many reasons. But I knew I needed it. I needed to get away for a bit and let myself heal. My body was dying as much as I tried to keep healthy. I realised that the stress I didn't want to recognise was taking it's toll in many ways. My period stopped for many months, the whites of my eyes were bloodshot for 3 weeks and I had to wear sunnies everywhere after the vessel in my eye burst from the pressure that built, when I cried every night. It took so long because I couldn't stop rubbing it. It was so dry and itchy. I had massive headaches and jaw aches from grinding that I had no choice anymore but to take shots to reduce muscular activity. Heaven knows how I hate shots. My weight dropped to an all time low, and people would tell me that when they saw me.
For the first few days in Seoul, we exchanged opinions over whatsapp. He couldn't understand and accept my opinions, and I always had a reply for his points. Once I could give a reasonable reply, he would bring up a new excuse. Essentially, he wasn't swaying. He stopped replying. One night, I found myself sobbing on the streets of Seoul. The tears just came even though I tried so hard to stop. I didn't understand why my body wasn't listening.
For the next few days, I threw those thoughts as far as I could, and just did what I wanted. I spent the money I saved like mad for the wedding. I spent and spent and spent (eventually I sold what I bought for a profit, back in Singapore). All the pain wasn't there in those moments I immersed myself in the culture, food and language. I recovered physically, emotionally maybe just a bit.
Back in Singapore, I asked him if he needed a break. He didn't answer me, but asked me my question. I knew he was lost.
He started saying things which showed me that all he was thinking of were the negatives, were my flaws, how we were bad with conflict resolutions and how our relationship this year had been nothing but painful (it was only 3-4 months). He lost the happy memories, the good growth, the positives. He said he was tired of chasing me again every time we had a conflict.
Isn't every day supposed to be a chase though. Not talking about elaborate dates, but just simple effort to communicate, to want to know what I'm up to, what I see, what I've learnt. Not talking about a hundred roses, but just an action to tell me you want us to keep having happy memories, despite having had quarrelled. Other boyfriends and husbands bring back a flower every day for their partners. I'm not comparing, but being given something special after a conflict does help effectively bring me out of my place of sorrow quickly.
I've always had the same faith and vision of what I'll be doing and where I'll be September next year. Dave lost his faith and vision. He lost the desire to bring me back to Perth.
I've kept to the same path and not doubted. Dave's let it creep in and take root.
He says I've changed. I've become too Singaporean. Yes that was one of the new excuses he came up with recently. I disagree. I've not become someone who've strayed from God. I've not become someone who indulges in sin. In fact, people tell me they recognise growth. I've not become a materialistic person. In fact, I've been desperately saving money for us.
He says I'm obsessed with social media. Which made me angry and shocked. I downloaded Snapchat and post often because I want to share what I see every day, what I go through every day, with him. Every post was because I missed him, I wished he could be with me to experience what I was experiencing. It would be easier than posting a million pictures and videos in our whatsapp chat. I even encouraged him to do the same but he didn't want to share.
I do understand though, why he might think that I've changed. I have made new friends. Friends that are a million lightyears from him, from me too. But I knew from the start that I should invest in spending time with them, and I wasn't wrong. Every spare moment and every opportunity to, I was sharing about Christianity and what it meant to me. As I interacted with them, they saw that even though I was a Christian, a "good girl" who didn't swear, didn't get drunk, didn't smoke, I could still have fun, still live life to the fullest and still be happy. I was just living, and I was being a testimony. They asked many questions, and I answered many questions. Just a couple weeks ago, one of them started to go back to church every Sunday. He even served in Sunday School a week ago! :) Thank You Jesus, all glory to You.
I was thoroughly disappointed that Dave had these thoughts, but didn't clarify or confront. Simply assumed. And really made a fool out of us. In his defence, he said he thought he could accept it, but he couldn't. I have a feeling that even after these clarifications, it won't sink in for him. I don't know. I hope he realises that he had been utterly mistaken.
I feel that, being in a relationship gives us a right to confront, not glaze over. I belong to him and he belongs to me. If there is something I don't like, even if there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, I can voice it out. For example, if I didn't like that he drinks a small amount of wine regularly, I could voice it out and ask him to cut down, simply because I'm not comfortable with it. There's nothing wrong with a small amount of wine every day. It could just be my preference, but it's important to voice it out.
At this point, I've got one foot at the altar, and one foot at the door. I want to fight for us. Because at the start, I've already made that commitment. Love is a commitment. But then, is it worth it waiting for someone who finds it painful to chase, who doesn't want to chase, doesn't want to stick to compromises, doesn't want to let go of past conflicts and see that I've grown in my manner of speech, in the way I speak during conflicts? Who makes excuses that he doesn't text because he thinks I'll blow up. Well, I think that even if I blow up, it's necessary and important not to escape. Once in a while, I might need to blow up, but it doesn't mean that my thoughts become irrational. It means that I'm voicing out after bottling it up for so long. Escaping will only make things worse. Do I wait for a person whom only wants to marry me when he feels that I'm not a risk? Do I wait for a person who even thinks I'm a risk?
I really think that coming over for a short weekend is needed, though I don't think he'll want to spend that money or think it's necessary.
I pray every day, and pray away the spirit of fear in him, pray away whatever unclean may be clinging on to him because to me it simply does not make sense how a person can change so drastically and forget all the hopes we had, all the desires and dreams we had, but replaced it with fear, with desire for zero risk, with slumber? I pray every day that one day he'll wake up and it'll snap into place, he'll realise that these few months can be replaced by forgetting. He'll go back to texting me a million times a day to tell me he loves me, he'll call me every day just to say hi, he'll be stubborn and tell me to do my own preparations for worship, but still help me find the proper keys at the end of the day.
Am I clinging on to false hope that this relationship can go back to normal?
