Don't know why but I just came to this place naturally. I don't even know what to say. I'm just really really sad and really tired. I'm tired of fighting for myself and what I want. I don't know why but it seems like I'm never right. I never have the right words to say, never have the points in my head.
At the end of the day, I'm in the conversation by myself.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Lesson learning
It's amazing how awesome I feel after venting. After screaming into my pillow and letting a couple tears fall.
The lesson I'm learning tonight is the same lesson I've been trying to teach myself for quite some time now, and I'm almost there. Not yet, just almost.
Never expect anything, never want anything. NEVER say it.
Also, NEVER say you need something. Once those words leave your lips, you've lost.
Tonight, I lost to myself again. But the difference between tonight and nights in the past were that the standing back up was easier and faster. I guess when you take so many punches, eventually you'll be immune to it.
I've made up my mind to try to go back to the place where I was always at a 6. Where life was peaceful, good, and all was well even when things weren't. Surprisingly, it isn't easy to walk back, but hopefully it'll be easier that when I was walking from there. Back then, I was so strong for myself, and not the least bit vulnerable. I miss those days.
The lesson I'm learning tonight is the same lesson I've been trying to teach myself for quite some time now, and I'm almost there. Not yet, just almost.
Never expect anything, never want anything. NEVER say it.
Also, NEVER say you need something. Once those words leave your lips, you've lost.
Tonight, I lost to myself again. But the difference between tonight and nights in the past were that the standing back up was easier and faster. I guess when you take so many punches, eventually you'll be immune to it.
I've made up my mind to try to go back to the place where I was always at a 6. Where life was peaceful, good, and all was well even when things weren't. Surprisingly, it isn't easy to walk back, but hopefully it'll be easier that when I was walking from there. Back then, I was so strong for myself, and not the least bit vulnerable. I miss those days.
Friday, June 07, 2013
Everyone feels this way at least once in their lives
When you feel like nobody listened to what you said.
Especially the people who matter more, they take it in, and then forget. It's like they never heard it, or maybe they did, but then decided some time later that they don't really care.
Especially the people who matter more, they take it in, and then forget. It's like they never heard it, or maybe they did, but then decided some time later that they don't really care.
Sunday, April 07, 2013
Some part of me doesn't want it anymore
I never cried so hard whilst driving before. It's a first.
Throughout the journey I asked myself what was I doing with my life, and why was I doing all that I am now? Was there anything I would change?
I would quit honours, and start working. I would
You know what.
I don't even want to think about this anymore. Save me the pain. Literally. It hurts.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
How to remain emotionally still.
Can only run to God, and to this place. A little sanctuary I've built to keep me safe, to keep me sane.
Like now when I feel like sh**, and there's nowhere else I can turn to.
It's stupid, I don't really know how I got into this messy conflict. Reason why I got into this was for the end result, the graduation from a phase of life into another. Yet now I don't want the convocation ceremony, I don't want the gown or the flowers, the food or pictures. I just want my life after.
Leave or stay? Leaving not an option. Yet staying makes my heart break. Both push me to tears. Life's brutal.
Like now when I feel like sh**, and there's nowhere else I can turn to.
It's stupid, I don't really know how I got into this messy conflict. Reason why I got into this was for the end result, the graduation from a phase of life into another. Yet now I don't want the convocation ceremony, I don't want the gown or the flowers, the food or pictures. I just want my life after.
Leave or stay? Leaving not an option. Yet staying makes my heart break. Both push me to tears. Life's brutal.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Must be God
Must be God when suddenly "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength" pops into my head.
And then I read 2 devotionals telling me the same thing.
That sometimes we say that God is greater than our problems,
But we still feel empty, and burdened by everything happening around us and to us.
We have to believe it and live it.
Just trust in Him, though easy to say. Commit everything and yourself to Him, and He will make your path straight, He'll put joy into your heart, and He'll give you strength you never thought you had.
And then I read 2 devotionals telling me the same thing.
That sometimes we say that God is greater than our problems,
But we still feel empty, and burdened by everything happening around us and to us.
We have to believe it and live it.
Just trust in Him, though easy to say. Commit everything and yourself to Him, and He will make your path straight, He'll put joy into your heart, and He'll give you strength you never thought you had.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Work more
Because less time is wasted thinking
And more energy is used. My mind has enough capacity to attend to the aches in my body, not in itself.
And more energy is used. My mind has enough capacity to attend to the aches in my body, not in itself.