Today I cried because I was happy,
because I saw God do miracles,
because I know He's real,
because I know I'm loved.

2. Raybans or any good shades.

3. A new slim guitar.



5. A mixer. (Not the music one, the electronic one for mixing cake or cookie doughs.)

6. A sewing machine.

7. That kate spade black shimmery wristlet without the bow.

8. Another good small/medium handbag.

9. Ice cream maker.

10. Money to save.

Today I felt like crap.

Oh well. Tomorrow's probably gonna be better.

Had a dream, that I was there when Jesus came back to Earth. Really REALLY scary dream.

Is it normal for even the most spiritual leaders to have mood swings and emo days?

I think life doesn't become smooth sailing when you know God. It's easier to ride the waves though, and you can smile at the storm.

It's 130am and I'm still doing Ling assignment. Woah best.

Michigeta. Chongmal michigeta.

On a happier note, Fensie jie's wedding was awesome! :) I'm so glad I went back.

Got to see CNBLUE. Think they stayed in the same hotel as the one where Fensie jie's wedding dinner was held. Jungshin stands out from the rest (literally, since he's a head taller). I wanted to see Yonghwa but oh well, he was too short to notice. Too many people around the 4 boys.

OK. CONQUER LING, pack bag, go sleep. On my new bed. frame. with mattress.

Now a bit sian. I can't wait to go back to Singapore for Fen's wedding. I wanna stay there forever.

Now cannot concentrate on my ling readings.

Ok a bit emo so here I am. Hopefully by the end of this post I'll feel much better.

Sick since I came. Lucky for me it's not intestinal infection anymore. -.- Just plain old flu. Yay I haven't been flu-ey for so long. It feels good. Now I have more reason to eat healthy stuff every day. :)

I'm sick. So this means I can blame my sickness for all this shitty feelings I have now right? Right. :)

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I'm assuming no one reads my blog, so if you do, I'm sorry, it's a one off. This post is purely to vent, rant.

Sometimes I wonder if I deserve all this that's happening to me. Like. Some people think shit of me, some people think I'm normal (that's good) and some people think I'm nice. I'm not saying my life sucks. I'm having an awesome time in Perth studying, believe it or not. I have great parents who tell me not to push myself so hard when I study, I have close groups of friends in Singapore whom I know miss me when I'm away. Why does my idea of the world differ so greatly as compared to other people in general though? It's not fair. I wanna live like everyone else lives. Free to love, free to like, free to express themselves, free to be so happy and so sad, so full of feelings and emotions.

I have feelings and emotions and all that, but I think I'm too stable. Emotionally too flat. It's like the machine that reads the heartrate you know. Mine doesn't go up and down like a person who's alive. Mine's like a dead man sometimes. It's just one straight line. Maybe there are a few ups and downs. But that's cos someone else is bumping into the dead man's bed on accident.

With my mindset, I should live in America or something. I don't know. Maybe I'll fit in more easily.

With my mindset, I cause so much trouble for myself. I don't even realise I'm in trouble til I'm in way too deep.

I'm just glad that I'm awake, I'm finally, TRULY and REALLY aware of my actions now. Every thing I do, I think damn hard and consider future consequences.

I can't please the whole world. I admit it. I'm not living in my own idealistic bubble anymore. I was happy where I was, but it's time to face up to reality. So here I am. And the world kinda sucks a bit but I'll get used to it. Haha. It's time I make things right, even if people become pissed off at me, or think I'm some worthless creature.

Sometimes knowing what people think of me hurts. It didn't hurt so much before, when all I see was good in people. Or did it?

I keep telling myself," Why do people's opinions of you bother so much?" Guess it's human nature.

It's still good to think the best of people, and I still try to see the good in people rather than the bad. I still create excuses for everyone in the world, as to why he or she reacted in the way they did.

I just realised that my paragraphs don't make sense. They don't link. And I start sentences with buts and ands and all sorts of stuff that isn't grammatically correct. But hey, it's my blog, I do what I want. I told you I was ranting, it's not supposed to make sense. :)

Ok I really feel much better so I'm gonna stop now. Til the next time I'm a bit emo, see ya. :)

emo. i feel like a loser. why so dumb, why so lousy?

well everyone will definitely have these feelings once in a while. so i guess it's normal.

wanna get back up asap. i will. :)

My heart breaks when I hear people say that God isn't real.

Besides praying, what else can I do?

God is real, He loves, He answers prayers.

Stop moving, shut up and listen. Cos God whispers. And if you don't hear it, don't blame God for not answering.

everything happens for a reason and sometimes life isn't like we want it.

but God's the solution.

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God is waiting for you to wake up from your dream.
He's waiting for you to shut up and chill.
He's waiting for you to finally give in and stop being so stubborn.
He's waiting for you to drop your pride and stop acting like He owes you cos He doesnt. At all. Even if you're blind, deaf, dumb, crippled. He doesn't need to do anything for you.
He'a waiting for you to give Him reign over your life so that He can work. So that you can see how much love there is, that you can't see now.
If you're blinded by your dreams and things you want, if your vision is blocked by your own ambitions, you'll never see God. Then you'll claim God's not working.

Every ambition you carry, you carry with both hands, in front of you. The more you carry, the faster it'll pile up and then your eyes will be blocked. But if your dreams are according to what God wants for you, these boxes will be carried by God. And you'll be free to see.

No highest mountain, deepest sea
Comes close to the measure of His love for me

No gold or gems of great price
Comes close to the value of His sacrifice

Just wanted to write it here in case I ever need to use it:

matchstick puzzles.

:)

My God came today.

I'm so thankful that I had an opportunity to serve Him today, leading cell worship with Sam.

Haven't led worship for so long, preparing for it made me feel very useful again. Thank you God. :) I felt like it's something I can do to give back to Him.

Must study hard now that exams are coming up.

Oh help.

Right now I don't have words to best explain how awesome my God is.

God's really awesome in Faith Community Church, where I am at now.

This series we're doing now is really applicable, especially now when I'm going through this period of transformation and change. Transformation. I like that word.

Today's message gave me courage and hope. Be brave and charge into the darkness. Then you'll find that there's no monster.

God, I wanted say you have no idea how much I love you,

but you actually know.

:) That makes you even more awesome. Haha.

for the record: literally heart pain throughout the day today.

urgh. it's been happening recently. hmmm. no good.

I just don't know what to say. My heart hurts every time I think about you.

I just wish you were stronger. I wish you had just taken some of my heck-care attitude and thrown your worries to God. Cos I don't want it now. If I could I would have given my attitude to you.

Just when I decided that I'm gonna be more open, I'm gonna be less 'cool', gonna allow myself to show vulnerability, news of you came around.

When I'm back in Singapore, Mel, you won't be.

I remember the first time I met you, I thought you weren't very nice cos you didn't smile. I feel so bad knowing that you were going through so much.

May God have mercy on your soul. I wanna see you when I get to heaven.

So. These few weeks have gotten me very uncomfortable thinking about everything and I realise that all's actually not well, though I always thought it was.

Points:

I'm selfish.
I'm hypocritical.
I'm too trusting.

Take aways:

I'm still human and it's ok to be sad sometimes, or emo. It's not wrong.
Some people actually really care, so I don't have to keep everything to myself.
Just say what you think, don't pretend everything's good when you jolly well know that normally it's not supposed to be ok.

I've got to learn to be more aware of my surroundings, and aware of people's actions, not just my own.

Basically I should be less "cool" and allow myself to be more "vulnerable". I've got to allow myself to feel and to show hurt.

All along, I've been pushing all that negative emotions away cos I don't like it. It's part of life, I've just gotta learn to embrace it. I've gotta get over it, not avoid it.

Who cares what people think?

Oh yeah. I've got to be less self-conscious. Now that's a bit harder to do.

I'm gonna practice jap so maybe from now I'll blog in Jap. And then tell you what it means in english.

in my limited japanese vocabulary-

はじめまして.
わたしはシエルです.
いちねんせいです.
シンガポ-ルじんです.
アイスクリ-ムはとてもすきです.
どぞよろしくおねがいします.

nice to meet you.
i am cheryl.
first year student.
singaporean.
i really like ice cream.
please be kind to me.


HAHAHA.

When I go back to Singapore,

I'm gonna get me a new guitar. My baby's awesome, but now I feel like the sound she makes isn't full enough.

And when my Toshiba becomes old, I'll get me a MAC.

I need to work man.

God's been really really good and I've been wanting to blog and say this since forever.

He gave me a washing machine, He gave me awesome cell members who support me and love me, He gave me furniture for my empty room. He gave me peace, joy, love. He gave me a bike to travel quickly in school, He gave me awesome parents who love me and let me spend money to watch Chicago (and paid for my education, my living expenses and everything else that I need here). He gave me a bigger bed than I need, twice the size of the room I had. Basically God provides everything I need and I am happy, rested and at peace.

Life is good and I'm loving it.

There's just one thing. I keep feeling like I need to study harder! Which I do. Haha.

I'm compiling a list of material things I want. For fun. :) Since my birthday is coming. Not like people read my blog since they can't, so yeah, I guess I have more freedom to just fool around like that.

1. Watch. Those $200-$400 kinds. The price doesn't matter really, I want a nice, maybe leather strap, pretty face, not colourful but more mature watches.

2. Thin wallet. Aiyah this one always a problem I'll look for it on my own I guess. Rargh.

3. Car. Like a BMW. Actually Honda Accord is fine too thanks. :)

4. Money. So that I can buy a new washing machine for my house in Aus. And other household stuff.

5. Oxford booties. Oh yeah. Looking long time high low.

6. A decent small handbag. Like small modern and pretty and not over the top fanciful. Not like printz all.

7. Shades. To accompany my aviators. It's hard to find a pair that matches my face shape and size.

8. Pumps.

9. Lots more tops. Not tshirts though. I sigh.

Hmmm for now the list ends here. Kinda pathetic.

Writing verses for my bmt boys made me realise I love the Bible and I love the Word. :)

I love reading the promises of the Bible, I love knowing that my God's awesome, big, real and loving.

Christian life is supposed to be hard, but with a lil childlike faith, it seems so much easier to go through tough times.