Ok so I bluff.

I pretend things are better.

Doesn't matter, I'll continue to bluff whoever I can.

Everyone is tired from seeing me tired.

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Another reason why I can't quit, is because it's the only place I'm happy.

It's the only place people tell me I'm such a joy.

I need the work to momentarily forget everything else that's in my face.

The longer hours I work, the more hours of peace.

I wish I were stronger. Then I can be fully independent and won't have to feel all that I am now.

Life's damn hard.

I'm looking out of my window and I see my roses taped on it.

Is it time to take it off and throw it away or should I still leave it there and hope and dream?

I need to get back to work, where things like that don't cross my mind.
And I can smile.

2 day dry spell over as I think and talk more about Monash.

And all I'll be leaving behind.

And how the next time I'll see people here would be in 6 months maybe, next year?

Even worse, daddy joash and chris are leaving this saturday. That's 2 months more.

I've never cried so much in my life, besides the days in sec 1 and 2 when I was in depression.

I'm not depressed. I don't think I am. Cos in sec 1 and 2, I lost so much weight. I'm like. Eating so much now. Can't be la. Haha.

Monash's taking me. And so my worst fear seems to be coming to life.

another good day. i imagine someone praying for me so that i don't think so much. like really, something's just blocking out my thoughts about it. even when i want to think about it, i can't. i just simply, can't. haha. can be a good thing, can be a bad thing, who knows.

crazy busy. took me the whole day to prepare THoS, help jeannie pack 300 packages for PEPS, prepare conference room yada yada.

i'm gonna be in by 8am tomorrow. oh help. i think i'll need extra strong coffee. alicafe here i come.

Today's a good day. =)

It's easy not to think so much when you have 2 meetings in the day and an errand which could take 2 hours.

These tears are not over nothing.

Today it has haunted me too many times.

Tomorrow I must be braver, stronger.

Yesterday's AO time was unexpected, I didn't expect myself to break, but I did.

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My No Apologies course was great, time passed really quickly. 3 days felt like one. It's like, camp. The first day, you don't know anyone.

The second day, you pretend you know everyone, but don't actually call people by name unless they're wearing their name tags.

The third day, you start to get to know them and like them, and then you say goodbye.

Course content:

Really made me sweat. Hard. Many good activities, but answering questions, being bold, yada yada... Wow. Not easy. I always thought it was easy money.


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Today in church.

Wow.

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I'm better.

But still.

I just want to tell someone everything that's around me and in me.

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Today at frolick I served Quan Yi Feng, Desmond Ng and another artiste.

And I admit, I was quite happy to see them. I was a lil excited. I gave a little more than usual, and piled up the toppings. And when Quan Yi Feng went, "This is good!" I was happy.

And I thought, why is service in a ministry different. It should be the same, or even better. God's a bigger celebrity, He deserves better. When we serve Him shouldn't we be more excited, shouldn't we put in more effort to please Him?

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Everything else is fine, there's just one more thing.

Everytime I think about it, I cry.

Today was a bad day, I almost cried at work.

My mum said that she was very certain, she would not be able to depend on me when she grew old.

Oh well. I don't really care what people say about me, even my mum.

I know myself that my intentions were not wrong.

I thought I was recovering.

But then I got my first rejection letter, from ANU.

And my heart grew cold again.

All this is making me look like a dumb ass.

No, I am. Hahaha. I am.