I feel like I'm slowly losing everything.

To the past is where I wanna go to hide.

Way back in the past, when things weren't so sad and when I didn't care what people said.

There was no distance, because you didn't care either.

I like that. That then.

Please. Bring me back to that then.

All I needed (possibly) was to cry. After holding it in so long.

And I did, today. I hope it's enough.

And so this feeling returns.

When I don't wanna go home, and when work is never enough.

It's true if you don't have personal time with the Lord, you'll forget what His voice sounds like.

Like today when my mum picked up her phone, I still asked for Christina.

Ok, so I just realised.

I'm sorry this is totally random and unrelated to whatever I just posted.

My life now, is spinning the wrong way.

I think I'm just escaping from what I know is there, but is silent.

Haunted.

I can't sleep because I'm haunted by memories that I wanna forget.

All these is making me rely on God more.

Which is good.

But the process is painful.

I remember the pastor at Ignite saying that God saves you when you're in the trouble, not from the trouble.

Makes sense.

But still painful.

I died.

I'm glad I'm blessed with good genes. No after effects. Cool.

I lost my phone and then I prayed and I then I got it back.

God's telling me, "HELLO, first warning ah. Never do it again."

I told God, "Never again, God. I can't promise I won't, totally, but I will promise I won't go so far anymore."

In those short moments, I forgot about the band on my finger.

Today's not a very good day.

I gotta start doing my uni apps soon.

Or I die.

Home's not so sweet now.

I have to calm down before going home. I have to relax.

When someone's outside, I stay inside.

When someone's coming, I hide.

Because I'm still living in my past, I can't get out yet. I'm stuck.

Because it's hard to move on.

Because this is like a strong strain of virus. I'm not sure when I'm gonna recover.

Till then, I shouldn't infect people. I'll quarantine myself.

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The sun doesn't shine for you.

The wind doesn't blow for you.

The birds don't sing for you.

The world doesn't stop because you did. It moves on.

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Meet Rylle. She's 163cm. 41kg.

She's from SA too.

She's my dance friend.

Her parents aren't as strict as mine. Her parents let her stay out as long as she wants, as regularly as she wants.

She stays in a landed property. She has WII at home! Her parents let her friends stay over all the time.

She's pretty. With long dark brown hair. Eyes bigger than mine and good complexion.

Her features are sharp. Deep brown eyes.

She's slim. Good figure. I bet she's a B or C. Her waist is so small. She says she wears size 6.

She's so smart. She scored AABB and B for GP. She scored B for both PW and chinese. She took the same combination as me! =)

She's so well-liked. She knows like half the school. And people always tell her stuff. Ask her out. Yada yada.

She's got a boyfriend. He's quite handsome actually. I've never seen him in person before. Just pictures.

She's got a lot of cool clothes. Dresses and all. Sometimes I borrow her stuff.

Rylle's got this accent. Not very strong. Texan. She speaks like a true blue Singaporean when she's with me and with other good friends too. But I've seen her use her accent when interacting with strangers. Haha. Sometimes I do hear the accent when she speaks to me, but I guess she's too used to it, sometimes she doesn't realise.

Rylle's my good friend.

She was the only one who knew how I really felt about everything that happened recently. I didn't tell her but she knew.

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I escaped. I just didn't know how to handle it.

Everybody's so happy. Just not me. The happiness reminded me of my failures.

Everyone is so smart. Smarter than me.

They're more able to laugh and enjoy themselves without me.

I just kill the air.

I'm sorry.

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I JUST CAN'T WALK OUT OF IT ON MY OWN.

I JUST NEED ONE HUG.

ONE HUG. And a shoulder to cry on.

Every since the results. I haven't let it all out, how I really feel.

I've been holding my tears.

I just need to let it out.

Somebody please.

I guess not.

In secondary school, I made a mask.

It was pink cheeked. Seems as though the face had a healthy glow.

The lips were apart, corners pointed up.

The eyes holes were small. So small, you can't read the eyes of the person behind the mask.

There weren't any holes for the nose, but you can't see.

I hated the mask. It looked nice, but I couldn't breathe when I wore it. The elastic part holding the mask to my face was so short, it was so tight. Sometimes, I had difficulties taking it off.

I wore it in school so much, schoolmates reacted differently towards me when I had the mask on and when I took it off.

I thought I threw it away after I graduated from secondary school.

I found it recently.

As I walked to the office, a wall of people were walking towards me, from the interchange to the mrt station.

I was reminded of skiing and how much I miss it.

Eh Cheryl Hoe skiing competition got 3rd lor please. Don't ask me to show you medal though. Throw away already. When moving back to Cherry Hill, mummy said just keep all the better ones, the rest all throw away, no space. I had like more than 13 medals for a lot of stuff like table tennis, swimming, volleyball and skiing. Now I just have the trophies and 4 medals on my shelf.

I wonder how much of myself I should put on the blog. Afterall, people still do read it. What if my J1s chanced upon this page and they see how ugly their leader can get. Like WOAH. My cgl has unpleasant memories and thoughts, and she does go through times where she doesn't like things. WOAH my cgl got secrets. She never writes in detail. Everything is so emo. WOAH my cgl can be emo. I can do the same.

There is a responsibility I have to take. And yet, if I am not able to let myself blog to release the stress, it's gonna build.

In times like this I question myself and ask if I'm the right one.

Unworthy, I'm more immature than you think. Do I even have the ability to do so? How can I be the one when there are so many better?

Yeah everything is part of a great masterplan.

I just don't see how such a me can do anything useful. How God can use a tiny, idiot, inexperienced me as a tool, to make an impact.

OK I got the answer. My heart has to be willing.

Wow. Look what I just typed. Easier typed than done.

Oh God I pray for strength, for miracles and hearts to be open. I pray for your guidance and wisdom and I ask you help me make the right decisions. I pray for sensitivity and initiative. I pray for love and forgiveness.

I pray for clean hands and a clean mind and a clean heart. I pray that who I am is a good example and what I do is worth mimicking.

My mummy said I is be da bomb after I told her I dozed off in the bus. Standing up.

Heheh.

I held on to the railing before diving head first into the person in front of me. Hee.

On Sunday when the lady was putting make up on me, I fell asleep. BUT. That's like. Acceptable lor. You ask me close my eyes so long, I was sitting in a soft chair somemore.

Last week I slept on the bus all the way to the interchange. Until the bus captain was about to park the bus, then I appeared from behind. She stopped and let me down before she drove off.

My 3 brothers paid an insane amount.

To make me smile.

Awesome day guys, love yall. =)