i am so freakin' pissed with bryan hoe huisheng.
if there's any guy that can boil my blood, it is he.
man i dont understand why guys are like that. or rather, i dont understand why my brother is like that.
he plays the computer the whole day, not exaggerating. from the moment he steps foot into the house, his mind is on the comp. no matter how important my work on the comp is, his games are still priority. he doesnt listen to anything i say, but i have to obey his," i want to use the comp" command.
only when my parents are reaching home then does he stop.
one of the many examples is today.
i tell him that i want to use the comp to type some stuff for 5 minutes, print it and go. after a while do i get the answer i want," ok, ok. very fast, i kill myself halfway then stop the game."
fine. so i go to the sofa in the living room and get some shut eye, waiting for him to " kill himself halfway". i'm tired you know.
after who-knows-how-long, i hear my parents open the door and imediately my brother changes the screen. i have slept for close to what, half an hour?what happened to the "very fast"
hello, i have o level! i have work to do, even if you are not revising for the exams going on, you should not be playing the comp! i am so angry that he gets away with it everytime.
i planned to do more work after finish printing my work on the comp but now i guess its a bit too late.
HOW MEAN CAN HE GET?
and when i tell him how inconsiderate he is, he gives me some crap excuse like," you want me to wake you up arh?"
yea yea he's a smart ass and can get good grades even if he watches television the whole day. BUT NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE HIM!
I HAVE TO STUDY. YEA< ITS TRUE.
sometimes i am in awe. i simply dont get how a younger sibling can make the older one cry. i dont understand how come there is no respect for the older sibling. and i dont understand why i was so kind to actually spend so much money on his birthday present. i am determined to return it tmr. he doesnt deserve it at all.
if the 40 days of community did not teach us how to love i would have already smashed glass and taken my revenge.
what i learnt about love today is not being applied in my life.
i am so freakin' pissed my parents dont know how to help either. or maybe they are used to it already.
how can i say i really love my brother?
if i die from breathing difficulties or heart attack or anything induced by intense anger, serious frustration or whatever else, this is to the police:
my brother did it.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Thursday, October 05, 2006
from now on even if no one talks to me or sits beside me, i will have peace in my heart.
its study study study.
minimum of 5 hours a day excluding school.
is that too little?
it sounds too little.
7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points
7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points
7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points
7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points
not a dream. just have to face reality now and start cracking.
-------------------
actually i respect those people with eating problems. like anorexia, cos it actually shows that they have some sort of disipline to stick with their goal and routine.
dont worry i am not anorexic. yet. i still love eating and i have no disipline to stop eating junk food whatsoever.
no time to lose, off to study!
its study study study.
minimum of 5 hours a day excluding school.
is that too little?
it sounds too little.
7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points
7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points
7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points
7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points 7 points
not a dream. just have to face reality now and start cracking.
-------------------
actually i respect those people with eating problems. like anorexia, cos it actually shows that they have some sort of disipline to stick with their goal and routine.
dont worry i am not anorexic. yet. i still love eating and i have no disipline to stop eating junk food whatsoever.
no time to lose, off to study!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
its amazing what God has done in my life and its only after calamities that i see the whole plan to build me up.
i thank God that even though my clique and i had such a long 'heated' discussion, we managed to clear up most of the air between us and knock down that wall.
i was so upset that no one dared to tell me anything before and that i had to stand alone. but nevertheless, i'm willing to put all the differences aside and start again. tmr, i'm gonna walk into class with a smile and hopefully i wont feel too wierd.
i was quite upset that all this while i have actually been seeing my clique talking about me behind my back and stuff.
so then today when i saw that again, i told them that they were being unfair. the blame game then began. but soon after everything was over. and i gave michelle my position as my class' miss cambridge representative after 'winning' yesterday. anyway michelle wants it and apparently my class was 'forced' into voting for me since they 'saw' that i 'wanted' it.
i told my clique that that was totally rubbish. i told them that i actually thought of of it the day before.
but, in fact i had no intention to be miss cambridge in the very first place. i know that i would definitely be very busy with the committee but i just wanted to see who the class prefered better. in the end, joanne told me that the class could 'see' that i 'wanted' to be miss cambridge very much and by my actions, was actually 'forcing' them to vote for me.
i thought that was rubbish. if you have someone you want to vote for, you wouldnt vote for another totally different person since you saw that different person 'wanted it very much'.
then joanne said that since the class didnt know who to vote for and i appeared to 'want' it a lot, they voted for me. absolute rubbish. it doesnt even make enough sense, since the class was not voting for the first time and all.
also, i was upset that they actually put words into my mouth by saying i complained about stuff like being too stressed. i know that i have been feeling stressed before but i had
NEVER said it out loud to another person, since there was no one i can actually tell in school. makes sense? duh.
they said that i should have opened up but hey, only when i opened up did they say everything they thought..
in the end i had no time to really explain myself but it doesnt really matter. even if i was still wrong in their eyes, i dont really care anymore.
all i can ask is, what caused this change in me in the first place?
what happened that made me distance myself from them?
have they ever wondered that i changed so much maybe because of their actions?
apparently not.
i admit that i am partly to be blamed but i also want them to really understand my point of view.
---------------
i missed chem cos i was feeling breathless and faint.
them after chem i went back to the hall. i thought everything was fine already. like everything cleared and all.
then joanne came to sit with me. and i thought ," how nice, you know, after we have a discussion, to come and comfort me and all that. thats what real friends do."
then she said all the get back together stuff i thought could make me cry. but after that she ended with," so sometimes you must understand that....blah blah...ok?" and it became my fault again. she got the last word.
roargh.
nevermind.
oh then during the second break i had breathing difficulties again. zoey came to ask me if i were ok and i said yes. so after that no one came up to me again.
- whats over is over and hopefully we can all start anew. i hope that there would not be any more whispering. i think its very unfair toward me. want to talk about me, say it to my face. get both sides of the story before anything is said.
i thank God that even though my clique and i had such a long 'heated' discussion, we managed to clear up most of the air between us and knock down that wall.
i was so upset that no one dared to tell me anything before and that i had to stand alone. but nevertheless, i'm willing to put all the differences aside and start again. tmr, i'm gonna walk into class with a smile and hopefully i wont feel too wierd.
i was quite upset that all this while i have actually been seeing my clique talking about me behind my back and stuff.
so then today when i saw that again, i told them that they were being unfair. the blame game then began. but soon after everything was over. and i gave michelle my position as my class' miss cambridge representative after 'winning' yesterday. anyway michelle wants it and apparently my class was 'forced' into voting for me since they 'saw' that i 'wanted' it.
i told my clique that that was totally rubbish. i told them that i actually thought of of it the day before.
but, in fact i had no intention to be miss cambridge in the very first place. i know that i would definitely be very busy with the committee but i just wanted to see who the class prefered better. in the end, joanne told me that the class could 'see' that i 'wanted' to be miss cambridge very much and by my actions, was actually 'forcing' them to vote for me.
i thought that was rubbish. if you have someone you want to vote for, you wouldnt vote for another totally different person since you saw that different person 'wanted it very much'.
then joanne said that since the class didnt know who to vote for and i appeared to 'want' it a lot, they voted for me. absolute rubbish. it doesnt even make enough sense, since the class was not voting for the first time and all.
also, i was upset that they actually put words into my mouth by saying i complained about stuff like being too stressed. i know that i have been feeling stressed before but i had
NEVER said it out loud to another person, since there was no one i can actually tell in school. makes sense? duh.
they said that i should have opened up but hey, only when i opened up did they say everything they thought..
in the end i had no time to really explain myself but it doesnt really matter. even if i was still wrong in their eyes, i dont really care anymore.
all i can ask is, what caused this change in me in the first place?
what happened that made me distance myself from them?
have they ever wondered that i changed so much maybe because of their actions?
apparently not.
i admit that i am partly to be blamed but i also want them to really understand my point of view.
---------------
i missed chem cos i was feeling breathless and faint.
them after chem i went back to the hall. i thought everything was fine already. like everything cleared and all.
then joanne came to sit with me. and i thought ," how nice, you know, after we have a discussion, to come and comfort me and all that. thats what real friends do."
then she said all the get back together stuff i thought could make me cry. but after that she ended with," so sometimes you must understand that....blah blah...ok?" and it became my fault again. she got the last word.
roargh.
nevermind.
oh then during the second break i had breathing difficulties again. zoey came to ask me if i were ok and i said yes. so after that no one came up to me again.
- whats over is over and hopefully we can all start anew. i hope that there would not be any more whispering. i think its very unfair toward me. want to talk about me, say it to my face. get both sides of the story before anything is said.